Here’s the story.
I woke up one morning about a month ago, and I struggled to hear out of my right ear. Every noise that came through was incredibly muffled, and I couldn’t make much out. It happened pretty unexpectedly one Tuesday morning, and I figured it would go away in a day or two, so I just went about my life.
Well, come Friday, I still couldn’t hear, so Kacie took me to the doctor to get my ear checked out. The doctor took a look at it, said it was clogged with wax, and grabbed a syringe to flush it out with water. I stepped out thirty minutes later with a water-logged ear, a prescription, and worse hearing than when I walked in. Hoping that the prescription he gave me would soften the wax, he said to return on Monday.
Well, being the clever (and poor) missionaries that we are, Kacie suggested that we just buy a syringe and do it ourselves. So we picked up my prescription and a big ol’ syringe and went on our way. Three times a day throughout the weekend, I’d sit on my side with drops in my ear. Each night, Kacie would flush my ear out, but to no avail.
Come Sunday, my sixth day without hearing, I was frustrated and angry. I wept and fought with the Lord, because I knew He was trying to teach me something, and He was making me very uncomfortable in order to do so. But I also knew that He must have been teaching me something important, because He literally took away my hearing to get my attention. So I stopped and listened, and here’s what He taught me.
He wanted my attention.
I lost my hearing in the middle of a pretty big project at our house. We had just purchased some furniture like bunk beds and couches, and we were working around 12 hours a day to reorganize and deep clean our house. In the midst of the busyness of cleaning bunk beds and hanging Christmas lights, God had something He wanted to say. But in order for me to hear it, I needed to be listening. Losing my hearing made me slow down and actually spend time listening to Him.
He wanted to give me a choice.
Because I could only hear through one ear, I developed this habit of turning my left ear towards people any time they needed to talk. I’d pick spots on the couch or at the table where I had my good ear facing people. I had to be strategic and intentional in order to actually listen. The same concept applies to life. Everyday, you have dozens of voices speaking to you, whether through friends, television, music, magazines, whatever. But not all of those voices were actually meant to be heard.
In my life, I’ve allowed myself to listen to a lot of voices that I was never meant to. As a result, I’ve believed a lot of things that weren’t true—about myself, others, and the Lord. But the thing is, I actually have a choice whether or not to turn my ear to something and listen to it. I get to choose what takes root and what doesn’t. I don’t have to give heed to every voice thats speaking to me, and neither do you!
He wanted to declare life.
I have this whiteboard that hangs above my bed, and on it is written a couple dozen works or phrases about myself. I’m courageous, unique, graceful, known, worthy. But I don’t always believe those things about myself. I know who I am, but I struggle to walk it out on a daily basis. I allow the lies I’ve heard to be stronger than the truth spoken by my Father. But He never intended for me to live this way. With my loss of hearing, I was able to focus more on His voice, His truths. He has been speaking truth over the lies for so, so long, and He was so ready for me to start actually believing it for myself.
The gift of restoration.
My ninth day without hearing, I was on deck to lead worship for D Squad’s month four debrief. I absolutely love leading worship, but it is also kind of terrifying for me. My lack of hearing just weakened me more. However, I felt really strongly that the Lord still wanted me to step out in faith and take away any remaining hints of performance left in my worship. I had decided to not even try to flush out my ear that day, and instead to be faithful to the situation the Lord was putting me in.
I stood before the squad, unsure of if my singing was even in key with my guitar playing. We worshipped for an hour or so, and freedom broke out. It broke out within me, freedom to lead from a place of vulnerability. And I walked away from the debrief feeling so filled up!
Later that night, I sat on the kitchen floor as Kacie, once again, attempted to flush out my ear. All of the sudden, the dams broke. I could hear more clearly than I remember hearing in years. I nearly cried as I celebrated the restoration of my hearing, the promise that God always knows what He’s doing.
I’ve been in uncomfortable places with the Lord, but I’m not sure they ever hit me to the degree that this did. Having physical discomfort like loss of hearing shakes you up and challenges you. I walked through a lot of frustration and anger through this process. I questioned if I would ever hear again. It seems overdramatic, but this was very, very real for me. I had to come to a place that I trusted the Lord enough for that to be okay. I had to come to a place of allowing His voice to ring through my ears more clearly than any other voice.
And the aftermath was stunning.
God took away my hearing to bring about restoration. And as much as those nine days sucked, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
