i got home from the race over six months ago.
six months.
as much as i’ve settled back into life in Anacortes, its hard to believe that i’m about to leave again.
believe me, i’m ready. i’m ready to start my next adventure, to delve into what God has next.
but it doesn’t seem possible that i’ve already been home for as long as i have.
(a big ole pile of baggage)
maybe it has to do with the baggage i’ve got lying around.
this may be embarrassing for me to admit, but until this afternoon, i hadn’t unpacked.
seriously.
i rifled through stuff, got what i wanted, but it took me five months of being home in anacortes, to actually completely unpack.
and part of that was laziness, honestly.
(sorry mom and dad).
but i think deep inside of me, unpacking was just a reminder that its all over.
i’ll have so many more adventures in my life, and i hope to get a lot more use out of my pack.
but this adventure:
the world race
july route 3
h squad
teamtheophilusteambithiahteamRAW(r)teameatpraylove
is over.
its over and i can never go back.
i can reminisce, tell stories, look at pictures
but i can’t go back
if i tried, it wouldn’t be the same.
our squad is moving on.
but i’m left with this gaping hole in my heart that i’ve tried so hard to ignore.
i’ve kept the pain of saying goodbye buried deep inside of me
tried to sugar-coat it
tried to play it down as ‘no big’
but it is a big, big deal.
that season of my life is over, i get it.
but how do you say goodbye?
i thought i’d be able to process it better
turns out maybe sometimes i’m more of an external processor than i thought
(sorry westrom)
but you can’t really externally process without talking about it
without getting down to the nitty gritty
and i just haven’t been able to do that.
——————————————————————
i have all these scars.
they’re everywhere
my arms
legs
feet
hands
shoulders.
if you never saw the pictures, the bugs around the world took a real liking to me.
and i scratched and scratched and scratched.
whoops.
and now i have all these scars, and sometimes they stand out more than other times
and i was thinking about it earlier today
scars happen when something wounds deep
or when you don’t let something heal properly
i have a lot of scars on my heart.
things i let wound me deep
and things i didn’t let heal properly.
(my poor, poor legs after months of mosquitos feasting upon them)
and the more i’ve thought about it, the more i see that i’m starting to let this gaping hole scar me.
i’m not letting myself heal from last year, and i need to.
i need to let myself mourn, and celebrate and move on.
i need to move on to be healthy.
i need to rejoice in the memories
but not live in the past
because thats just leaving me with all these scars that i need to let heal
and its holding me back from what God has for me right now.
so here’s to h squad, and the memories we made
and here’s to all that’s to come.
here’s to moving on
to new life and new memories
to new community and friends
to mourning and saying ‘see you later’
because,
