I said yes to this trip back in November of 2016. Back when 2017 wasn’t real yet, let alone October of 2017. It felt like it might just never come and it will forever be this cool thing on the horizon that I can think about when it’s convenient. It’s now July of 2017 and all the things are happening. I’m packing up the house I’ve lived in for two years, I’m interviewing my replacement at work, I’m making arrangements for all of my possessions to go to a million different places and I don’t like doing any of it. The logistics of putting your personal and professional life on hold for a year while you will be making *no* money and continually asking people to give you *their* money so you can do what God has called you to do is hard. It’s really hard and sometimes I’m really sad doing it.
Before I get into how terribly difficult my life is I do want to acknowledge that I have been V blessed by my church community. They are making it possible for me to do this. They remind me why I’m doing this when I try to tell myself why I shouldn’t do this. I hate asking for things but they keep asking how they can serve me. They are volunteering their homes to me and taking me to REI and storing my furniture while I have to just keep asking for help and I hate it. I hate that I can’t do this by myself and that I feel like a burden to people I care about who already lead busy lives. And then God gently pulls me aside and tells me to be humble. He pulls me aside and tells me that he will never leave me alone. He reminds me that he sends his children to do his work. He pulls me aside and tells me to be anxious about nothing and pray about everything. And I listen to him for about one minute before I start to stress about how I’m going to change my address on my car registration when I don’t have an address anymore. So, all of that to say I am continually fighting a spiritual battle of worry and anxiety of just getting myself to the mission field. I’m in this weird spot of “I’m not gone yet but I have to tie up 5,000 logistical loose ends in my life before I am gone and it is the worst.”
I can and will complain about packing and moving and renewing my car registration all day. But honestly what’s really weighing on me lately is my relationships. My friendships. My family. My friends. My community. My people. Everyday my brain runs me through a list of all the incredible people I have in my life and I realize I’m CHOOSING to leave them. Why?! Why would I leave my roommates whom I’ve lived with for three years and consider my sisters? Why would I leave my kick-ass lady improv troupe that I helped to build and grow and invest in? Why would I leave all of my friends who love me so well and make Austin’s 100+ degree summers worth sticking it out for? And why would I leave so that I can’t see any of my family members for a year, so that I’ll miss Christmas with them for the first time in my life? I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of “Wait, when are you leaving?”’s and “I can’t believe you’ll be gone for that long”’s from my friends and it hurts. It hurts because it feels like I’ll miss out on something. Like the next twelve months will somehow be the most important and defining 12 months in my life if I were to stay in Austin but I’ll be in the wrong place. I’ll run through these doubts and fears until my heart feels like it is ready to burst with longing and sadness and FOMO and then.. God gently pulls me aside and tells me “Because Jesus.” Because Jesus is better. Because Jesus is worth it. And I calmly try to tell him that yes I objectively believe that to be true but right now it doesn’t feel like Jesus is better and it sucks. And he tells me that it’s ok. He will work on my heart. I just have to be obedient and he will do the rest.
I want to wrap this up in a way that says “Yes I’m scared but I’m more excited than scared so don’t worry about me! I’m totally about to have the best year of my life!” but I can’t do that. I’m sure it will change but right now I am mostly just sad and scared. Fortunately for me, our God is more powerful than doubts and fear and suffering. He is who he says he is. He is the one who takes our suffering and pain and turns them into our good and his glory. I know I don’t have to see the why behind the what right now. I just have to listen when he says, “trust me” (and if I can’t listen then I can ask him to help me listen and trust him and I think that’s really cool).
