I had been on the verge of a crying explosion for a little while, so I decided to venture into the jungle of Africa just to take a second to be alone and for safety reasons, I decided to bring Mady along with me. I sat there in the trees where at first all I did was cry and cry hard. Then I started talking to God.
I have known for a while now that mine and Bekah’s friendship is an idol for me. Bekah is an idol. I recognized it and put the words to it months ago but didn’t have a true desire in my heart to change. Not only that, but a big part of my identity for years now has been “Bekah’s best friend.” That’s a huge part of who I am and how people know me. As I was sitting there on a blanket on the hard jungle floor I just wanted so badly to sit on a couch (it’s been weeks since I’ve been comfortable sitting or laying down) with Bekah while we watch tv and eat whatever she has decided to cook us (Hamburger Helper sounds nice). And just that simple act was something I wanted SO BAD. I just realized how co-dependent I have become and how I literally don’t know how to be myself without her.
I have known and have been saying that this year will be good for us, hoping that our friendship would grow to be stronger but be more glorifying to God when I get back. But now I know that God’s plan for me this year is to figure out who I am in Him again, and for her to do the same. When we come back together in a year we can live our separate lives devoted to Him as friends with each other.
Afterward, as I was talking to Mady about it, she said that, “An idol is something that if God asked you to give it up, you would say no.” That is definitely Bekah for me right now. I know this because I have considered before whether or not He was asking me to give that friendship up and separate myself from her completely. However, when I did that I didn’t consider it for very long and just assumed the answer was no because honestly, I wasn’t willing. Good news is I know God will work on that part of me this year.
I need to lay this friendship down at God’s feet. Something else Mady said was that, “Just because you lay it down doesn’t mean that God is going to take it away and never give it back. He may not take it away at all or He may take it away so He can give you a better version of it.” I don’t think God is going to take Bekah away from me but I need to be okay if He does. I also need to learn how to be myself in Christ without her so I can come back and our friendship can be the most glorifying to God.
I tell you this because I want you to know I am a sinner. I am not perfect and there are major things that I’m working through. There are people that think, “My sin is too great for God to forgive me or for Him to love me.” Let me tell you, I have broken the very first commandment of the ten commandments, “You shall have no other gods before me.” and what Jesus says is the greatest commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” (Matt. 22:36-37). Your sin is not too great.
There is a myth growing in our world and in our churches that is incredibly harmful: once you’re converted you’re fully converted. In other words, once you have accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your savior and made Him Lord of your life, this irreversible sinless future is before you. Your life from this point forward will be a success story and nothing but growth is in store for your relationship with the Father. This is all simply not true.
I started following Jesus with my whole life as a junior in high school and for the past 7 years I have sinned so many times in so many ways. This is because my encounter with God may have redeemed me but it did not transfigure me into an angel. I am a Christian and I am far from perfect. I let the Lord be in charge of my life and I still sin. I want to be obedient but there have been times when I have been defeated. I want to follow Jesus but I am bested by temptation. All of this is okay because through it all I cling to faith. Through it all I love God and have a desire to glorify Him. People, if this is not good news to you, you may not understand the amazing gift of God’s grace.
To put it simply, we are messed up before we meet Christ and we are messed up after we meet Christ but God gives us eternal life even though we don’t deserve it. I am working on repenting from this sin and allowing God to change this part of me to point back to Him. It’s a hard road but God is SO SO GOOD through it all. If this concept of grace is still a concept you’re working to understand and believe and you’re interested in talking more about it feel free to contact me!
Thank you guys so much for the support you have shown me already and the ways you continue to support me!
