I’m home.
You didn’t read that wrong, and yes, I still technically have 2.5-3 more months left of the race.
Today (Tuesday) my squad got on one flight and I got on another.
I want to explain to you guys why. Not because I feel like I need to explain myself, but because I want to share the growth that has gone on in me because of the Father and hopefully encourages someone else.
I’m currently writing this in the Johannesburg airport and decided to take out my laptop because our boarding was delayed by only a few minutes. I honestly don’t know how I feel. I said goodbye to my squad earlier this morning and said goodbye to my squad mentor just 2-3 hours ago. Goodbyes are hard, especially when you say goodbye to family. I felt so much peace through it all but still sobbed while hugging them and watching them walk to security while I stayed behind.
Why? Why am I saying goodbye to my family? Well, that’s a little bit of a long story. (but not too long I promise it’s worth the read)
im about to get a bit vulnerable with yall for a little bit so hang in there.
when i was in high school and college i struggled pretty badly with anxiety and depression but my mind would tell me i was overreacting or something similar and i felt so much shame from the idea of struggling with mental illness and the illnesses themselves. i was full of so much shame, even when i was open about it.
when i was accepted to go on the race, i thought “that’s it! i’m good! i am healed and don’t struggle with that anymore”. the rest of the year i did terrible in school and still struggled. i knew i did, but i refused to admit it to myself.
so i left for the race. the first few months in costa rica were absolutely amazing. i thrive in change and the new culture and i loved it. around the end of costa rica i started struggling again without even realizing it.
in africa, we split up every wednesday night and did bible studies: girls in one and boys in the other. about two weeks into africa, we were praying out of the bible study and i started bawling. i had absolutely no idea why. my teammates kenzi and acacia tackled me and drew all over my arms and legs until i started talking. i didn’t really know what to say, but when kenzi asked me if i felt like my depression was getting bad again, i started bawling again. she said that she hadn’t seen pure joy from me in a long time. i really, truly believe that the Lord allowed me to finally feel what was going on that night, because i had been neglecting my own feelings and emotions for a long time. that night i finally admitted to myself what was going on and gave it to the Lord.
as time went on, i still felt shame from what i was going through. i would convince myself that i was better, even when i wasn’t pursuing the Lord in it; i was trying to speed through a growing period when the Lord just wanted me to be still. Around the middle of January, I woke up in the middle of a panic attack. I was hyperventilating, scratching my tattoo, and pulling my hair. So many doubts and fears came to the front of my mind in that moment. Over the next few days, I didn’t have any panic attacks like that, but I continued having anxiety attacks. I talked to my squad leader and he talked to my squad mentor. She called me to make sure I was doing okay, and I told her that I was better and that there was nothing to worry about.
Yay for the Holy Spirit, though! As soon as I hung up with her, I felt convicted that I didn’t tell her everything. Those doubts and fears I had during my panic attack were really heavy and were still weighing me down. I talked to her again, and she helped me work through some of that and look towards options for the future for me.
I had thought about going home very briefly since the panic attack. Going home after mini debrief was in the back of my mind, and I had been praying for clarity because I didn’t know if it would be better for me to stay or to go home. After not having wifi for a few weeks, I texted my mom. Without telling her anything, she told me she had been praying for me and knew something was wrong. So I told her about what I was struggling with without telling her that I was thinking about going home. And she asked me if I had ever thought about possibly going home after South Africa (mini debrief). I spent the rest of the day with the mindset that I was going home. In the middle of a session in the office, I physically felt the anxiety lift off of my chest for the first time in months.
I continued to pray and talk to the Lord and talk to my community around me. With the help of my leaders and teammates (and Jesus through them), I realized it was time to go home. I was at a place where I was too numb to process anything that was going on during ministry and had so much anxiety that it was hard for me to do really anything. If I needed to, I could push through, but the Lord made it obvious to me that He needed me to be home and that it would be healthier for me to be home.
So, long story short, I am going home because the Lord opened my eyes and brought a lot of things to light that I didn’t want to bring light to; things I was trying to shove in the dark for as long as I could because I was ashamed. He gave me a completely new perspective on it, though. One that I would not have realized without these past six months and one that I really didn’t even realize until I got home.
When I struggled with all of this in high school and college, I would try to speed through the healing and growth that came from bringing these things to the Lord. I knew I was going through stuff but I never truly admitted it to myself or brought it to Him.
The Lord has taught me so much these past six months; so much about myself and about Him. I am not defined by my past or by what I struggle with. He helped me find my identity in Him and I’m really excited to be able to start applying that and living my life at home in a new way. I have no idea what’s next for me yet. I’m looking for a job and praying about the future (please pray for that for me!).
At mini debrief, a day or two before I left for home, we were worshipping and the Lord made me realize a lot. I had multiple people speak over me telling me that I will be able to breathe again soon and that the Lord will give me a new, fresh breath. The whole worship session was about breath and air. As we sang, someone told us to think about the things we really need to bring to the Lord and lay at the feet of Jesus. The first two words that came into my head were shame and regret. I’m done being ashamed of my struggles. I will not be ashamed of going home and do not want to regret it. The Lord has given me so much peace about this decision and I am so excited to continue pursuing Him and allowing Him to take over those parts of my life that I’ve regretted and felt ashamed of. Chains are about to be broken and I can’t wait to experience the freedom that comes from Him.
To my supporters: Thank you SO much for helping get me overseas! Your contribution whether financially or spiritually has helped bring the Kingdom to people who didn’t even know the name of Jesus. Even though I am not finishing the next three months, my squad is still on the field! The money that you donated is still going to be used to bring Kingdom. Please keep praying for them! My brothers and sisters are doing amazing work in Thailand right now. Thank you for supporting me through this insane journey; it was only the beginning. 🙂
To my friends/family at home: I love you guys and am so excited to see you! Please be patient with me as I start to adjust to being back home again. I can’t wait to hear all about your lives and be able to share what the Lord’s done in mine as well. See you soon. 🙂
To my squad: MY FAMILY. You guys are amazing and some of the most spiritually mature people I know. I am so glad that we were able to get so close over these past 6 months and I can’t wait to hear all about how the Lord uses you guys in Thailand and Myanmar. Thank you for loving so well; for being so supportive and caring. The Q Church is THRIVING and GROWING! You guys are truly my family and I am so blessed that the Lord put you guys in my life when He did. I miss you guys a lot but I can’t wait to see you in just a few short months 😉
To Salt & Light/my girls: I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. You guys have influenced me so much in my faith and in how to live my life. The Lord shines through you daily and you all embody love and compassion and pure strength for the Gospel!! The Lord is going to do big things in you guys and I can’t wait to see and hear all about it. I’m so thankful that the Lord gave me such amazing, loving, God-fearing, passionate, strong, fearless, brave sisters.
Through all of this, I’ve learned how to hear the Lord’s voice.
To be patient when you can’t hear Him.
To love even when it’s hard.
To open your heart to new passions He puts on your heart.
To have faith in His timing.
To have hope in the future and in His goodness.
To say YES and to not miss an opportunity.
To praise His name because He truly is faultless.
There is so much I’ve learned and so much the Lord has taught me and changed.
Thank you guys for all the prayers and love! It means so much. The transition home has been difficult (I’m writing this about 4-5 days after I got home), but the support and love I’ve received is unimaginable. If you have any questions or anything feel free to reach out!! I would love to talk to you 🙂
(in order to focus on readjusting and starting my time in the States on a good note, I will not be on social media for a while. If you want to get ahold of me, feel free to Facebook message me or text me at (219) 796-6452!)
