This weekend I re-watched The Heart of Man, a short, must-see film documenting the depth of God’s love and grace for us. As I sorted through my thoughts these last couple of days, my mind kept coming back to vulnerability. It’s a theme that our team has been seeking after in our first month on the Race, and obviously God was pulling me closer to being vulnerable with Him and with those whom I love.
But what is true vulnerability? As I sat down to write this letter, I was frozen.
When I brought my brokenness before God, this is what came out;
I’m picturing myself standing in front of everyone I love, stripped naked. Nothing hidden. Nothing covered.
I’m at the front of a room full of eyes staring back at me. As my eyes frantically search for the nearest exit, standing in-front of the door with His eyes locked in on mine with the purest expression of love, is MY Jesus.
Everything in me SCREAMS to run away. But His eyes never leave my eyes and I’m frozen with no-where to go.
Exposed for what I really am:
I am broken. I am hurting. I am messy. I am insecure. I am weak. I am ashamed. I am tired. I am emotional. I am searching. I am confused. I am uncomfortable. I am human.
This is how I feel.
I tend to find myself being vulnerable to a point that feels deep, but in reality still allows me to have my head above the water. I’ve realized I have been doing this with God. I step into freedom and build a wall. But these walls aren’t protecting my freedom; they’re hiding it.
They’re keeping my loved ones out. They’re keeping me out. They’re keeping Jesus out.
There I am clutching my knees to my chest, in an effort to be less exposed. Then Jesus sits down, throwing His arms around me. And in that moment I’m covered, my walls come down, and I am drowned in His unfailing love and grace.
I’m brought back to the Parable of the Prodigal Son. The son takes his fathers money, runs off and lives a reckless life. The son realizes he messed up and wants to return home to his father.
Luke 15: 20 says, “He rose and went to his father. But while he was a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” I smile when I picture the son crossing the front yard as the father runs from the front door to greet him.
BUT it’s only when I realized my heavenly father doesn’t wait for me to get to the yard. HE finds me in my reckless life. HE meets me in the middle of my mess. He embraces me as I am.
I’m reminded of who Jesus says I am:
I am loved. I am worthy. I am known. I am precious. I am seen. I am confident. I am cherished. I am His child. I am new. I am Katie. I am beloved.
It’s only when you ALLOW Jesus to sit with you in all that you are, you begin to see His heart for you. You begin to realize He doesn’t ask for a spiffy, cleaned up version of you, He wants the raw, messy, stripped, naked version.
Vulnerability breeds light. Light is truth. Truth is Jesus.
– Katie B
