I get this weird feeling when people commend and affirm me on leaving America for a year to go on the World Race. I thought it was because; I figured people are thinking I’ve been living in a tent, eating chicken liver every night for the past 6 months. When in reality I’m in a cozy apartment, staring at the mountains and re-enacting an episode of Friends (Jesus edition) with my teammates. (that’s a joke… the Friends part)
But it’s deeper than that. It’s not this humble, weird feeling. It’s conviction.
It’s convicting to me because those comments (though very kind and harmless) make me feel good about myself “leaving” my comforts. Those comments (though not meaning to) have the effect of turning this trip into a trip about Katie being a hero. When in reality, in life, “there is only ONE hero and His name is Jesus.”- Steffany Gretzinger.
This month is “Ask the Lord” month. A.k.a for lingo purposes, it means to just listen to the voice of the Lord and go where He sends. So, I asked Him and He said, “wait.” I said, “Are you sure? You know I’m really good at talking to people and I love evangelizing.”
He reminded me of this picture I have gotten multiple times of an eagle flying high above the mountains. As I opened my eyes, my phone buzzed, with the “verse of the day” from the bible app.
Isaiah 40: 31 “But they who WAIT for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
He said, “wait” and pray. So I do. I sit in the same spot for 3 hours and pray (which is harder than you’d think). And like a dagger to the heart… this is what He’s re-teaching me.
The phrase: It’s not about me
“When we love people because it’s an agenda, it’s not love anymore.”- Bob Goff
This is like truth cracking the Liberty Bell. I have gotten so caught up in how good I am in my gifts, that I have forgotten about how much better the giver is. I have forgotten that; it’s not how good the words I say are but how perfect the word of the Lord is. I may go this whole year without witnessing someone being saved. But I can’t forget that it’s not about the numbers in the harvest I should see. It’s about cultivating, watering and growing the hearts of the people I am called to love.
It’s not about me.
Jesus didn’t even live for himself. How could I?
John 5:19 “Truly, truly I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord. Only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise.”
If I can try and live a year that’s not about me, how much more beneficial will the rest of my years be for God!?
The race for me isn’t a year of Katie’s self-discovery. It’s a year of discovering what it looks like to be selfless for Jesus in a selfish world. It’s a year of discovering how to be a better loving: teammate, employee, mentor, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, spouse, mother and warrior for God.
This discovery for an individual doesn’t have look like giving up a year in America or going on a “mission trip.”
This could be anything. It could be volunteering at the local soup kitchen. This could be volunteering at a local church. This could be spending time with the homeless and listening to their stories. This could be visiting a retirement home and seeing the elderly with Jesus’s eyes. This could be volunteering for a high school retreat. This could be cutting your neighbors grass (in the middle of the night so they won’t know it’s you and you’ll never get the credit… JK) but really this could be ANYTHING.
Anything that doesn’t leave you with a trophy for “being a good person.” Instead it leaves you humbled for loving your neighbors the way Jesus wants us to.
I think God wanted to take me far away first, to make sure my ego is in check before He puts me where my heart truly desires.
See I am excited to get home. I’m excited to see my family. I’m excited to see my friends. I’m excited to hold my babies (specifically Tigger), and lay in my bed. I’m excited to drink a big mug of toasted hazel nut coffee in the mornings. I’m excited to go back to Camp Ozark and Ozone.
But those things don’t compare to the excitement I have to relearn how to “die to myself” again, in a place where I have been the most selfish.
Back in America, I don’t want to take for granted the easiness of communication with the people around Me. I don’t want to take for granted the freedom I have to express my faith and thoughts. I don’t want to take for granted the small ways I can love my neighbors.
For the rest of my life, I’m sitting down. I am being humbled. And I couldn’t be more thankful for it.
Love,
Katie B.
