Wrestling with God
Sometimes, I get confused.
I lose sight of Jesus, and get lost in my doubts and fears.
When I used to get confused I would hide.
I would distract myself with a movie or my schedule. I would push away my doubts because they made me uncomfortable, and because I knew I didn’t have answers.
And often I was afraid of what God’s answers were.
So, I just pushed them away.
I am in love with Jesus now.
And guess what? I still get confused.
Really confused.
And I can’t go without him anymore.
So, when I tried to hide, and push away my confusion, I felt empty.
And it scared me.
Which made me more confused, and even a little angry.
Why had he left me in my confusion?
Why didn’t he answer me?
What am I doing wrong?
I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
Actually I was right on track.
God was waiting for me to wrestle with him.
I don’t mean to say that He likes to fight with us. Not at all.
But He loves when we fight for our relationship with him.
When we seek him, even if we can’t hear him or feel him. Even when we feel abandoned.
When we wrestle with our doubts and fears, we are facing them.
We are saying that our relationship with God is worth a fight.
We are saying that we will seek him with all of our hearts. Even if it scares us, makes us uncomfortable, or knocks us down.
I wrestled this week.
I doubted God’s love for me.
I doubted his plan for my life.
I doubted everything I knew.
Why?
Because I couldn’t feel him.
I tried everything.
Reading truth.
Sitting and listening.
Getting angry.
Ignoring it until I felt my soul shivling up with thirst.
Until finally I faced what I was afraid of.
God.
I poured out everything to him.
I fought for my relationship with him.
I wrestled with God.
I told him that I was confused, and angry, and hurting, and doubting.
And he said he knew.
When I pushed everything aside to find him.
Even if I didn’t know what I would find.
He met me.
He held me up. And spoke truth and light and wholeness into my heart. As only he can.
I am not sharing this to show you what a “great” christian I am.
Because there is no such thing as a great Christian.
I am sharing this with you, so that you will wrestle with God.
So you will fight instead of hiding.
I read this today, and it’s the best thing ever.
This describes the Lord’s heart for us so well.
Your relationship with him, is so precious and unlike anyone else’s.
Don’t give it up for comfort.
Fight for it.
He will meet you.
He is good.
