So, we’re about to leave Africa. I’ve called Malawi my home for the past 3 months.
And that sounds like a long time, but it actually went by so fast.
As I was processing my time here, and the upcoming transition, I realized something.
I was frustrated with my time in Africa, and even some in El Salvador. And a part of me was frustrated with how the Race had and may continue to progress.
The past month, and even some of the month before, ministry has been really slow.
And it was something I was not passionate about at all.
I am a very active person, and I don’t enjoy sitting still for too long.
I was frustrated because I wanted to make an impact. I wanted to hold little kids, and comfort them as they cried. I wanted to do something. That is why I was called here, right??
This frustration had started to effect my attitude towards my ministry host, and the people I was supposed to be loving.
I was confused, and felt betrayed almost.
Why would God call me here, have me go through all this pain, and ask me to be away from my family and friends, to do nothing?
What would people at home think?
Would they think I was being lazy or wasting time? Or that I was a “bad missionary”?
I started putting stock in what the world thought about me, and less of what God thought of me and of what I was doing.
And when I had to sorry about forcing “good ministry” so that I would have something to show for all my time away, I would just get more and more frustrated.
I was stressed all the time, angry with everyone and everything, moody, and probably a pain to be around.
I started performing.
I was trying to put on this great show. That people would love, and applaud, and be proud of.
I wanted people to be impressed by my life.
By all the “amazing” things I was doing.
And I wasted a lot of time by doing that.
I spent so much time thinking, stressing, and praying for things that were so unimportant.
I am truly sad that I didn’t thrive as much as I could have if my mindset had been in the right place.
But Jesus is still amazing.
Even though I wasted time, and moped around, (things I am not proud of) God still has grace.
He is still madly in love with my heart. He is still pursuing me. And still nudging me to love. He knows that we have rough seasons.
This season that I am walking out of has been one the most challenging ones of my entire life.
And God knows that.
At the begging of this month, I was doing really well.
I was living in freedom like I hadn’t in years.
I felt confident in who I was in God.
And I felt like I could take on the world.
I even made a list of things I was going to work on and grow in.
None of the things on the list were worked on.And this month made me question everything I thought I knew about God and me.
And I was so performance driven, that I beat myself up a lot. I had to be different when I came home! So people would know that I did something amazing.
God knew this month would be hard on me.
He knew I would be hurting.
And he knew I would stumble.
And he knew I would be hard on myself for not being performance perfect.
But he showed me today, that he never asked me to be perfect.
He never asked me to have all this stuff to show what an awesome trip I had.
He was never frustrated with me for not having a lot of ministry.
He knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
But he did ask me to seek him.
He did aks me to trust him.
So many times this month, I’ve asked God why he brought me here.
He brought me here to be with him.
That is my first calling.
Not to do all these amazing things. Or to serve all these people.
Only to follow him.
To know him, and be known by him.
And the rest will fall into place in His timing.
I cannot wait to see what God brings me to in the Philippines.
And whatever it is, whether it seems important to me or not, I know that my Jesus has asked me to be there.
Even if it’s just to see him there.
