Having my life being in a constant state of change, I have been able to experience many different aspects of God. Some of them have been new to me and it's been good. In Moldova, God showed Himself as my healer, guiding me through hurt and anger. In India, He was my teacher, guiding me through the mistakes of learning something new. In Kenya, He was my proud Father who cheered me on as I stepped out in boldness and onto a platform to tell of His goodness to the multitudes.
This month I have been surrounded by such a messed up display of "love". It has stirred up so many different emotions of confusion, anger, disgust, sadness, lack of hope, and weariness. It has left me fighting for love. The real kind of love. I watch young girls wearing clothes that just seem pointless because they don't even cover what should be covered, calling out to men, trying to grab their attention. You can see in many of them that they are searching desperately for love. They want to be noticed, they want to have someone's attention fixed on them and them alone. And so they offer themselves to whoever will give that to them. I also see men. In the beginning, I had to fight the urge to punch these men, seeing what they were doing to the bar girls. Like seriously swing full force and watch my fist land on their jaw. Sometimes I still get the urge, but I understand a lot more now and that has given me compassion for them. The men are broken. They have been abandoned by wives. They have failed at careers. They have been rejected by their children. They too are searching for love. For someone to give them affirmation that they are worthy and desirable. They are so desperate that they are willing to pay for it. They answer to the calling of the women and they fall into the lie that these women will give them the love and attention they need. When I go out at night to do bar ministry, I find myself lost in a sea of brokenness. Broken people desperate for love…searching for it in all the wrong places. I ask myself how the definition of love has gotten so skewed. How it has become so distorted and messed up. Where is the love that God wrote?
I remember wondering this same thing after my husband left me. Where is this love that God created that is faithful, that conquers fear, that exists through hardship, mess, and mistakes? A love that is without conditions. Where is this love that is reckless, scandalous, without abandon, unexplainable, and sometimes dangerous? I remember God answered my questions in that time by showing me that love. It was a sweet time when I got to experience God wooing me and pursuing me. He showed Himself to me as a lover. Now, I know this could sound really creepy and disturbing to some people. Maybe you should stop reading because it's just going to make you uncomfortable. God whispered sweet nothings into my ear – that I was beautiful, captivating, exciting, prized, and precious. He told me how He loved me even before I was born. He has been showing this love to me my whole life – calling me His beloved in ways that are unique to just me. It was through all this that I fell head-over-heels in love with God.
I have realized that in my pursuit this month to cling to what I know as love, that I have somehow moved away from that sweet love relationship with God. Not that I don't feel His love daily, or feel love for Him daily. But it's not nearly as intimate as it once was. I have enjoyed experiencing God as my sustainer, my healer, my strength…as faithful, as teacher, as a pruner. I miss having that Song of Songs type of relationship though. A scandalous, passionate, ridiculous, make-you-blush type of love relationship.
So in my last couple weeks here in Thailand, I'm determined to get that back. I'm going to pursue my beloved and take time to delight in His presence. I will once again open my eyes to the ways that He is wooing me with His love daily. I don't want to settle for what love has become in this world – broken, selfish, short-lived, or paid for at a cheap price.
I want the love that God intended for us.
