Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

| by archiveworldraceblogs

  I believe that honesty is hard for me to find because I’m not honest myself. (I know this isn’t the typical blog for around Christmas and New Year but this year hasn’t been typical for me, so why start now?) I fear honesty. I fear it because if people know the real me… the disappointment will flow in like a flood. I’ve been analyzing myself for a few weeks now; realizing that one fear connects to another… causing a chain reaction. Not that I didn’t know this… I guess I just never took the time to stop and think about it. Just one of the many things (I’m sure) I should have stopped to think about. I’m not sure which should be the subject;  fear or honesty… you pick.

 Often throughout the day I lack the strength to say how I ACCTUALLY feel… or tell the ACCTUAL story. Some call them exaggerations or white lies… I’m not sure what to call them. For me there is this inclination in the back of my head always wanting me to manipulate truths to make them sound more pleasing. I do this because I need approval from others. It’s quite the exhausting life. I’m tired of this life.

 I write about honesty because I don’t want to give false hope. If I speak WHOLE truth, all you expect is what I have told you. It takes out the disappointment factor. If I give you a reason to believe that things might be better than they are… how can God get proper credit? If I manipulate the truth… I’m going to keep disappointing… because things are never as they seem.
 I write about honesty because I long to be honest; with you, with God… with myself. Truth be told, I’m at a loss for words… or a plan of action. After delaying my missions trip to June… I don’t want to face people. The “I told you so’s,” advise and questions are too much for me. I have very vague ideas of what my next steps should be… or what the “right” course of action should be, but that is all I’ve got at the moment, ideas.

 A truth that I do know is that God is in this. That God has placed a peace in me… and this will be okay. A truth I do know is that this delay is not a punishment… or consequence… This delay is for a reason… a purpose, and I am okay with that. A truth that I do know is that I am seeking change… and that change comes with a high price… and I am okay with that.

I’m not giving false hope or a reason to grieve… I’m not asking for approval or praise… This is where I’m at; desperately longing for truth and willing to go where He sends me, beyond that are only possibilities.