There are many things I have learned as a squad leader and I could probably write a book on it all, but there are some things I want to share with y’all about how this has been one of the hardest and most life changing experience I’ve ever had.
Let me start out by saying how big of a mess I am and how I have been a huge mess through this entire race. If I’m being extremely real with you people right now, my experience as a world race Gap Year squad leader has been by far the hardest and most intense spiritual, emotional, and mental journey of my entire life. I have spent hours in tears, hours in mastering up plans that would allow me to go home, hours of wrestling with The Lord on why he put me here, and much more. I am in month 8 wondering how I even got to this point, and honestly baffled at how incredible and beautiful God is in all of this, and how gracious and patient he is. Like I said, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but let me share with you where Jesus has been in all of this, and the lifelong things he has instilled and taught in me.
Some people who have squad lead may say that they had a pretty easy breezy squad leading experience. When I think of a word that describes this time as a squad leader though, it would be the furthest from easy or breezy. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed this journey, but not because it has been a coast through type of thing, but because it has grown me immensely. If I were to choose a word though, it would probably be the word refinement which means:
“the process of removing impurities or unwanted elements from a substance”
Yes. That is me. That is my race experience. Refinement. He has taken so many ugly sides of my old self, removed them from my identity, and poured over me his complete love and goodness. It’s as though my entire heart and soul has been wiped of so many nasty impurities just to be filled with more Jesus and truths about who I truly am. He has taken the bad and the gross out of my life in order to see it all through His eyes and with His heart that is of the utmost unconditional love. GOD IS SO GREAT YOU GUYS! He has done so much in the last eight months that I am actually shocked in how much he has taught me through the process of refinement and sharpening me into my very core. He brought me here to solidify who I am in Him. To become the truest version of myself. To be a servant. To love unconditionally. To show grace and receive grace. To speak truth. To walk in humility and so much more.
He brought me here to have a deeper, more rooted relationship with him, while loving and serving 40 young adults. He brought me here to be more like Jesus.
On a more random and unexpected note, there are two huge things that Jesus brought me here specifically to learn besides characteristics of Him, and that is how to be a wife, and how to be a mother…
I know what most of you are thinking… “WHAT? KATIE A MOM AND WIFE?” same, I feel the same, but bare with me for a second..
Jesus gave me my squad to teach me what it means to be a mom, and my co-leader what it means to prepare for marriage. This is something the Lord didn’t reveal to me until month 5 being in Malawi. God specifically gave me a listening prayer about my husband and told me that by the end of this trip, by the end of nine months with these people, loving and serving alongside them, I would be ready for marriage and motherhood… WHAT? It’s insane really. He showed me that without this trip I would still be living for myself and that I would have never surrendered all the crap in my life in order to follow his perfect and beautiful plan for my life. He had to take me back out for round two of the world race, to serve 40 people in order to understand selflessness- which is the biggest thing about being a wife and mother. He told me that I was learning how to be a mother through these people by nurturing them, guiding them, loving them, and serving them unconditionally. He has showed me that being a mom means being the most humble servant. Someone that expects nothing in return but continues to love and fight for that person no matter how much they fight you back. Mom’s are protectors and teachers. They’re servants and fighters. They love with all of their heart! Jesus told me that he was preparing me for motherhood by placing these people in my life to care and love for them no matter how they treat me back. To love unconditionally even if I walk away from this trip with nothing in return. He has called me to be his humble servant, and I am beyond thankful for the ways he has taught me humility. It has been super hard at times to live humbly but the reward is worth EVERYTHING. It is beautiful to serve others before yourself and to make sure they are getting everything from The Lord that they need.
As for my co-leader teaching me about marriage, that is a whole other cool and crazy thing! I am leading with an amazing woman of God who challenges me and grows me more than I think she will ever understand. The reality of our relationship though, is that we are 100% opposite of each other in every single way. We think differently, and we process differently. God knew what he was doing when he put us together, knowing that I would be stretched more that I ever have been in my life by learning from someone who is so different than me. Differences aren’t bad, but I used to use them as excuses not to invest in people who weren’t as likeminded to me. He knew my pride would have gotten in the way if I were to choose my co-leader and would have picked someone more ‘like me per say.’ The reality of this is though, is that I wouldn’t have it any other way. This relationship between her and I has been on of the hardest to work for, but has been so beautiful and rewarding. Through it I’m learning what it means to love someone selflessly, what it means to have healthy communication, what it means to fight for each other and that relationship, and what it means to seek the Lords heart above everything our flesh feels at times. I’ve learned grace, love, patience, sacrifice, and so much more through our relationship. I am thankful for this gem in my life, and can’t wait for the day where I will meet the man that Jesus has been preparing me for through her (as weird as that sounds).
I am in awe of Him, and so humbled by His goodness and faithfulness. Most days I can’t put into words how I feel about my creator.
All in all this is my life. It is one that is messy and crazy and so full of Jesus. It’s one that I wouldn’t trade for the world and I’m so blessed to have. God is good in all things and as easy as it would be to remember only the hard and horrible moments on this race, he allows me to see the greater picture and purpose in all of it, and for that I am thankful. I have a month and a half left on this journey, and some days I feel like I won’t make it through, but Jesus does his thing and keeps me going. These people have affected my heart in huge ways and I’m grateful for all their love and craziness! I hope this helps you guys get a feel into what this time has looked for me since I’ve been so bad at blogging (sorry)!
I will also be home soon and in need of photoshoots to get back into being a real adult that makes a living! If you or anyone you know needs photos done; engagements, weddings, portrait, etc, please email me through my website!! (katieruther.com)
You guys are great, thank you for taking time to read about my life. Love you all!!!
