in the midst of such darkness I feel completely inadequate and useless. My “gifts” and “talents” seem or feel worthless to the Kingdom of God in this country. I have been frustrated by watching many others on my squad come alive in their roles in the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Cambodia. I feel left behind and unsure of what to do. I’ve seen others step into roles that I used to think were mine to play. What am I supposed to do here? Why have you brought me here, Lord?
I’ve been plagued with guilt over things I cannot control. I am a white American comparatively rich girl. I come from a loving, whole home; I have an education from a top-ranked public university; I have depth of friendship with many. I’ve had so many people pouring into me through the years and yet I feel I haven’t a clue how to really pour back out on to the others who really need it. There are hundreds of Cambodian children I have the opportunity to work with every day while here and I have no idea what to do with them to show them the love of Christ.
I just don’t understand why I’m the lucky one.
Why is it that I am chosen to be able to walk out some of my dreams at such a young age? Why have I been chosen to be blessed beyond measure, beyond what I deserve? Why am I who I am, when there are HIV+ unwanted children living together who are taught hopelessness in their condition and don’t believe in God as a result of it? If I were them I probably wouldn’t believe in God, either; after all, they’re unwanted, diseased, and in need of love that is so lacking.
