confessions of failure

New contexts reveal new conflicts within oneself. Inside the safety of
my World Race family and a familiar Western environment I had an
opportunity this month to face unexpected challenges, learn new things
about myself, see myself in a different light than any other from the
Race, and to ask the Lord to take me as I am, imperfect and unfaithful
and failing as his daughter.

What did I expect coming to London? I expected the extravagance of
the West and of the city. I expected to participate in a ministry
unlike any other on the Race due to the cultural & environmental
changes. I expected to enjoy my time here because I already knew the
city. But I quickly found that London is a familiar environment yet I’m
a different person from when I lived here four years ago. My heart has
grown and been broken and molded in new ways. It looks nothing like it
did then, and that impacted my time here. As a result, all of my
expectations were met, yet I got a lot more than I bargained
for–particularly in being challenged in ways I didn’t anticipate.

As we prepare to finally go to Africa (!) I am looking back on our time in London and I’ve realized one poignant thing which makes the above self-portrait an ironic silly illusion.

As an ambassador of Christ, I failed.

I fell far short of the goal of bringing Kingdom everywhere I placed my
foot. I wonder now if anything I learned on the Race before this month
even soaked in at all? Looking at this month of ministry I would have
to say “no.” Which means I am back to ground zero. After five months on
the Race I failed to take what I’d learned and apply it in a home
environment. Yeah, sure, I handed out some Christian tracts and talked
about Jesus to quite a few people. But I wasn’t entering into the Holy
Spirit like I knew I should or could. Something about being in the West
held me back. I never wanted to come here; I had no desire to be on
the Race in the West….and so my own internalized desires, shoved under
the surface, prevented me from entering into the Kingdom in London and
walking it out in courage and “breathing Kingdom fire” as we say on the
Race.

“Humbled” isn’t really the word for what this month did to me.
“Ashamed” might be more like it. I know there is “now, therefore, no
condemnation for those in Christ Jesus,” yet I look back on the month
and I feel nothing short of a failure.

I say all this in the full confidence that if ANYTHING came out of the
ministry I participated in this month, it’s clear that it wasn’t
because of me. It was only God who could accomplish anything through me
this month, and that not because I was walking boldly in His Kingdom
every day, but only because my weaknesses were out there and easy for
all to see–our ministry partners, the squad, etc etc. Yet I know that
through my weakness He is strong. I know that I remain His daughter and
He is in love with me, just as I am in love with Him, no matter how far
I fell short this month. Because after all we all have fallen short.
Sometimes some of us just get to be reminded of that…like I was this
month.

I’m not writing this because I want you all to tell me I’m wonderful
and did a great job and all that. I’m writing it to share some of my
heart and show you that there is purpose in everything. I know that
this month was a taste of what going home might be like, and now I know
what that will present and how I need to react to it spiritually. I
know a little more of what to expect and what my own weaknesses are in
going back to the West.