My heart is so burdened for this team. But it’s not in the way I thought it would look. It’s a quiet yearning, a soft hunger for something that has nothing to do with my own self’s needs or desires. A gentle call within my soul that longs for the Lord to show his all-consuming fire to these nine young men and women. They come from different backgrounds; some have been following the Lord most of their lives, some have come and gone. But whatever THEIR reasons for being here are (those vary as much as the students do), I know there is ONE purpose for each of them being here. God is working in their lives. He is desiring MORE OF THEM. He is desiring for them to give up their very lives, to take up their crosses and follow Him, to live for Him and die to their selves, to offer up their bodies as living sacrifices….He wants more of them. And whether they identify it as such or not, they are here because somewhere deep inside their souls, they know they want more of God. They came to the mission field seeking something–whether fulfillment from doing good deeds or self-satisfaction in reaching out to poor and destitute–but really what they are all seeking is a deeper relationship with their Creator, their Father, their Saviour, their King.
Though my heart is burdened for them to “get it,” to understand that only in giving away their lives for Christ will they gain anything of worth, to be led by the Holy Spirit, to walk every moment fully alive in the Kingdom of God, to shine Christ so brightly that they become transparent and He becomes apparent….this burden I have for them is light, because it is a burden of the Lord.
I struggle with the burden, nonetheless. I know the Lord placed me as a leader on this trip for a reason. The fact that I’m right where God wants me has been verified numerous times since the trip started, despite some doubts I initially had. I can testify to His provision in my life in EVERY WAY. He has given me all the financial resources I need. He has given me all the physical strength and yes, even comforts, I need (or want!) He has given me opportunities to connect in the ministries right alongside the team, which fills my heart with such joy and light I think it might burst.
What He has not given me is the words to share my burdened heart with this team. I have NO IDEA how to even begin discipling them or teaching them in any way. I haven’t the words to tell them about what Christ has done in my life, especially in the past 13 months, ever since the Race began. I cannot possibly begin to take on the role of “squad leader” or spiritual mentor that I wish I could. In all reality, I know Real Life is not the World Race, and inevitably lessons learned by these students will differ somewhat from those I learned on the Race (and continue to learn).
How do I act on this burden? How do I continually offer it up to the Lord, knowing that though He’s given me this desire to see their lives wrecked for His Kingdom, that I can seemingly do so little about it? I feel, more than ever, that while the Lord has given me abilities to take up the role of leadership with a certain grace, there are other parts of leadership in which I am totally lacking. I have no idea how to do some of this stuff, is what I’m saying. I have no idea how to communicate to this team my desire to see the CHOOSE ALL IN to the Kingdom and start walking in the freedom that comes from full surrender. Some of them are holding on to things that I wish they would let go. But I know this is work of the Holy Spirit and not my job….
Sorry this blog has gotten so ramblingly long. I just don’t have the words to communicate the things God has put in my heart for this team. All I can do is give my life over to Him daily and ask that He uses it. It’s no sacrifice on my part. It’s pure joy! Please pray that the Lord will give me wisdom for hard situations that need resolution, as well as grace under pressure and, most of all, the continued burdens of Christ for this team. Pray that He will pour out His Spirit on their lives….
