Lately I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed. Adapting to change can be challenging in any case, and some days, thinking about the reality of this trip makes me want to give up. I know God has called me to this, but sometimes I already find myself asking why. Most days I feel like it’s not for me.
I’m going to be very honest and vulnerable here. The questions that have been running through my mind are not exactly pleasant. Some are simply selfish, but others should be paid attention to. Recently I’ve been telling God I can’t feel His presence, and I can’t fake it, so it’s easy for me to feel like a misfit in this environment. Just yesterday at church service I literally asked God, “Is it necessary to praise and worship consistently throughout the day? How do I even know You are real?"
All of this has been frustrating because the more we preach, pray, and have conversations focused on God, the more I find myself wanting to flee. And so it becomes a fight… Maybe this is the true definition of faith.
Every day I wake up and go through the routine, most days against my own will, but I continue to pray for perseverance to get through it.
A couple weeks ago my team and I, along with another team, Fierce Pursuit, were invited to a prophetic meeting in Harare, Zimbabwe. I had a woman come up to me and say something slightly generic, so again, my mind questioned the sincerity of it. But then Mark, from Fierce Pursuit, walked over to me from across the room. I remember saying to myself, “Please no.” Not because I didn’t want to hear from Mark, but because I didn’t want to have to feel like I had to pretend. Once he started talking, though, my eyes began to fill with tears.
He told me all he kept seeing when he looked at me was the word security.
Security, security, security, security…
He told me I’ve been questioning my purpose and where I belong, but that God is going to convince me of His presence in a way that He never has before. And although I don’t know exactly what that means, and some days I have my doubts, the only thing I can hold onto is my faith. Faith that He will show up, faith that I won’t always feel this way, faith that this too will pass, and faith that He has called me to this journey for a great purpose.
“He told them another parable: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.’
He told them still another parable: ‘The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pounds of flour until it worked all through the dough.’” –Matthew 13:31-33
