Ever since I can remember I have struggled with body image issues. Whether it was my weight, my hair, my skin, it didn’t matter because I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. I chose to cover those internal issues with external solutions. I felt more beautiful with each new body modification I came home with, much to the dismay of my mother. With age and maturity, however, I thought I had outgrown a lot of those issues.
At the end of last month and the beginning of this month I experienced some big life changes that rocked my world. I went from being told I was beautiful every single day by someone I loved to not even having that person to talk to anymore. It was the first time in years I found myself struggling to look in the mirror. I couldn’t talk about myself without making a sarcastic jab or demeaning joke. I was reverting back to old habits that I thought long ago died. But as they say, old habits die hard.
The last week we were in Nicaragua I had an interesting encounter with the Lord. I was looking in the mirror and felt the urge to remove all of my piercings. Immediately I shook off the idea as ridiculous and went about my business, all the metal still securely in their places. The thought of taking them all out made me want to crawl out of my skin. But as the days passed I found the Lord asking me to take everything out, to look at my face sans extra metal for the first time since I was 15 years old. It had been eight long years and I was scared.
The first Sunday we were in Honduras I removed every piece of jewelry in my ears and on my face. When I looked in the mirror I had to fight very real feelings of disgust. It felt like I was looking at teeny-bopper Katie, someone I no longer knew. Still, I had promised myself and most importantly I had promised the Lord I would keep them out until I could see myself the way He sees me.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4.
Today, my team created our own Ebenezer to celebrate all that God has done this month in each of us. We wrote our victories down on a sheet of paper, read them aloud to each other, and buried them in what will be the living room of the children’s home we’ve been helping to build. My victory read, “I do not need a man to tell me that I am beautiful. God’s eyes for me are the only eyes that matter.” For once in my life I actually believed it.
I had this picture in my possession that I decided I needed to burn to do a little cleansing of my spirit (isn’t symbolism awesome). As I tore it in half, the picture divided perfectly to leave just me, completely intact. What I thought was accidental I now believe was the Holy Spirit. You see, I despise this picture of myself. But as I stood beside the fire ready to chuck it in, I felt the Lord speak to me. Below is my journal entry pertaining to what the Lord showed me:
Originally I was going to burn the whole thing because I hate this picture of me but then it dawned on me. How can I claim to see myself through God’s eyes and not love this picture? I was happy, I was in love, I had had such a wonderful day that day. The negative attributes of my body that I see shouldn’t matter. That’s not what GOD SEES when He looks at me. He doesn’t see my belly. He doesn’t see my arms the way I see them, scarred and flabby. He sees His daughter who He created to do wonderful and glorious things. He looks at me and calls me beautiful. He calls me HIS. That’s what I need to listen to. Not the world. Not the voices of people who seek to tear me down… I don’t want to need to hear it from someone else to feel it, to believe it. I am beautiful because I was made in the image of the ONE TRUE KING. What could be more beautiful than that?
Despite my victory this month I know that this is still a struggle I have. I know that I won’t wake up every day feeling beautiful and worthy. But I also know that I serve the God of love. He’s going to supply every comfort, every reassurance, every shred of joy within me. He’s going to give me the hope that tomorrow is a better day and tomorrow I will continue loving myself. All because He first loved me.
This month I learned that I am an image bearer of the holiest of Fathers, the most beautiful and awesome Creator, and you know what?
So are you.
Love always.
KM
