Training camp has taken me quite some time to process through completely. It was, without a doubt, the hardest and most fruitful ten days of my life. I spent a lot of time putting God in the hot seat with questions like:
“Why am I here?”
“How am I even qualified to do this?”
“What’s the point? Everyone here is holier than I am, I have nothing to offer these people. Once they see the real me they’ll see I’m not good enough.”
I quickly learned that those were lies fed to me directly from the enemy. Within the first 24 hours there was an entire session devoted solely to what I was going through. I had so much fear about taking off the mask I had so perfected over the last 22 years that I was unsure any of my squadmates could ever accept the real me.
Every day we create and give power to all of these expectations the world has taught us to have. Expectations of our friends and family, expectations of strangers we encounter throughout the day, expectations about ourselves. By creating these laundry lists of what’s appropriate and what isn’t in order to receive love, we’ve all been convinced of one huge and dangerous lie: Who I am is not enough.
I’ve had that shame tape playing through my mind for years. Does it sound familiar to you? A coworker gets the promotion/praise/reward that you want: who I am is not enough. A classmate gets an A on an exam they winged while you got a B and studied for a week: who I am is not enough. Everyone in God’s green creation is getting engaged or getting job offers and everything in your life feels like it’s at a standstill: who I am is not enough.
I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not funny enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not _____ enough.
Fill the blank with whatever you want because we’ve all been there. For me that tape played over and over and over again until it stopped only tainting my earthly relationships and started tainting my relationship with the Father as well. Thoughts like “God could never love me, I’m not pure enough. I’m not kind enough. I’m simply not enough” filled my head and I began questioning what I was even doing this for. I began having illogical expectations of the One who surpasses all understanding.
I realized I had become an affirmation addict. I no longer looked to God for affirmation but to earthly things and each time I found myself coming up short. That’s the thing with addictions, what was good enough yesterday won’t be good enough today and once I satiate today’s need I’ll have to work harder tomorrow to feel that affirmation and love that I so deeply desired. What I didn’t see was that I was like a hamster on a wheel, constantly running and never getting anywhere. I was just wearing myself out. Putting on a show for everyone wasn’t going to get me affirmation and love, people can’t love the real you if all they see is the mask you put on for the world.
But here’s the good news: God doesn’t care about ANY of it. He doesn’t care about how smart you are, how much money you make, or how many likes you got on your last perfectly edited Insta pic. He doesn’t care about the car you drive, what your friends say when you’re not around, or how often you attend church. God cares about the person He has created you to be.
Psalm 139:14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well.
Job 33:4 The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
Isaiah 64:8 But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.
If “I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” if “the breath of the Almighty gives me life,” and if “we are all the work of [God’s] hand” then why in the world should I give a rip about what the world has to say?
One of my squad leaders recounted a quote that went something along the lines of this: “If God is our Defender, then in order to be defended we must be defenseless.” Let that sink in. In order for God to do His thing, in order for Him to protect and guide us, we HAVE to take off our masks and cast unrealistic expectations aside. We have to stop thinking we can fix everything on our own. We have to quit putting on a show. We have to let go of control and let God show out.
Training camp was a lot of things for me. I got to love on and grow with some truly amazing people that became my family. I learned more about my relationship with the Holy Spirit then I even realized was possible. I started to leave my masks and false self behind so that I could walk in the freedom of who God created me to be for the first time in my entire life.
I urge you to take 5 minutes before you go to bed or while you’re making your morning coffee to crack open your Bible and read what God has to say about you. Hear the truth He has for your life. Learn about the unconditional love that a relationship with Christ has to offer you.
God is a loving Father and He has grace for each of His children. You just have to ask.
Love always,
Katie
