I go through seasons of doubting God’s love for me. Heck, it really wasn’t until summer 2013 that I fully grasped His love in the first place. Before last summer I certainly loved God and believed that He loved me, but unconsciously I perceived His love as being on a spectrum… As in, yeah, God loves everyone. They’re all here on the spectrum somewhere. However, you don’t want to find yourself on the end labeled “Barely Tolerated… In a Loving Way…” just cuz God made you and He has to love you. You want to be on the other end of the spectrum, with the missionaries and the martyrs: “I Love You AND I Like You!”
I’m happy to report that nothing came up when I searched Google images for “Spectrum of God’s love”
I never voiced this or even realized that I was thinking this way until a year ago. I was working at the training camp for Child Evangelism Fellowship’s 5 Day Club ministry, really wrestling with some heavy stuff when a dear sister in Christ tried to encourage me by speaking some truth over me about God’s love. And I kind of wanted to reject it! I remember sobbing and thinking “No God, it’s too much. I can’t accept it. I don’t deserve it.” Whaaaaat? What was that you just thought little miss missionary? I knew in my head that no one is deserving of God’s great love, but it wasn’t until that day that I realized that I still felt like I needed to work for it. Like Jesus got me onto the spectrum and now I needed to work my way up.
WOW, that was a blessed week for me. It rocked everything in me and busted the door down on my heart to finally be able to say “No, I really really don’t deserve it, but You still really really love me. Like, just as much as You loved Jim Elliot or Abraham or that got-it-all-together Christian sitting next to me. No spectrum. No striving. Just love.”
It absolutely changed my relationship with God and ushered in a really sweet season of enjoying the Lord that way I always should have been but had previously been held back from. I didn’t feel guilty or obligated or worried, I was joyful and peaceful and in love. Also, sometimes I had bad days and made mistakes and felt miserable. I have to remember that and not overly romanticize last fall. It was definitely still real life (which is sometimes pretty lousy) but it was for sure different and without a doubt better than life as I knew it before.
Except- bad news! I haven’t been able to continually stay in that awesome place 24/7. Like I said in my opening sentence, I go through times of doubting what I now know about God’s love for me. Deep down, I’m afraid that it’s too good to be true. I hear the whisper of a lie… You had it right before. Now? You’re just kidding yourself. And I begin to get almost angry, like a kid that just realized she’s been duped by some older bullies. I feel embarrassed, hurt, disappointed. And it only takes a short time before I start to put my walls back up. To just be on the spectrum is good enough. I shouldn’t complain…
No.
I know the truth and I’m not going back to the lies anymore. When I realize that I’m slipping back into the old ways, I have to stop and look at it for what it is. And let the tears come. Because it really is sad. I’m like a little raggamuffin orphan that runs away from her adopted home because she’s afraid that letting love in makes her too vulnerable. I’m the prodigal son who comes home expecting to be be treated like a servant, but instead is welcomed with open arms and celebration… And a few weeks in decides it’s too good to be true and moves his stuff into the servant’s quarters anyway. (By the way, if you haven’t read that parable in a while, go read it! Luke 15) I know deep down in my spirit that it’s just so sad that I can’t believe that God is head over heels crazy about me… Because the fact is, He is. Seriously! And He’s crazy about you too. It’s so hard to believe it though. His love is insane, we can’t compare it to human love because it’s purely unconditional, wholly undeserved, and still so rich and full and satisfying! Ephesians 3:18 says that we need strength “to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of] the love of Christ.” It takes some muscle! So I pray and ask God for the strength to understand His love for me, and the more I get how He see me the more I love Him. And everything else just falls into place from there. Sometimes I stumble, in which case I have to call the lies out for what they are and go back to the truth of His Word… lather, rinse, repeat.
