Haha how’s that for a title? A lot of you probably know that I recently got back from the week-long training meant to prepare me for my World Race. Now, I’ve been thinking about going on the Race for years (weird to say that but it’s true!) so for years I’ve been reading blogs and building expectations. Which is exactly what they tell you not to do! I’ve even read blogs about how others knew they shouldn’t set up expectations but they did and they regretted it and encouraged the reader to not do it! And now here I’m doing that same thing. Hopefully you’ll listen!
Because here’s the thing: I didn’t even realize that I had expectations. All those blogs I read said stuff about how they didn’t want to divulge too much information or get any one’s hopes up… EXCEPT… to say that it was an incredible week that brought them closer to God than they’d ever been and got them even more excited to leave for the World Race. So I said to myself, “Cool! I won’t expect anything… EXCEPT… for it to be an incredible week that brings me closer to God than I’ve ever been and get me even more excited to leave for the World Race.” That didn’t seem like an expectation that would be a problem, because it was so open ended and gave God plenty of room to move and do that however He wanted.
Well, let’s see. My week started off awesome but it was only a couple days in that I was smashed in the face with a left-hook of homesickness. Did not see that coming. I felt crippled by how much I longed for home and loved ones and the comfortable and wonderful life I’d structured for myself. Didn’t read about that in any blogs. In the midst of trying to kind of work through I began to struggle with some really strong temptations and a growing feeling of weariness and a just plain bad attitude. I begged God to take it away and when He didn’t I started to feel far from Him. I didn’t even feel like I was still me. I wanted to just get the week over with and that horrified me because I had to ask “Is this how I’m going to feel on the World Race? For… eleven… months?”
Meanwhile, it looks like everyone else is having the time of their lives. Granted, I wasn’t miserable 24/7. The dark clouds came in waves, and I would press through or pray until I felt peace or wander into the woods and plop on the ground and cry until I was empty. And then whatever followed would be fun or inspiring or refreshing. It was hard because I wanted to have a good week but the good stuff didn’t last, and sooner or later I felt like I was back to battling. And with all that stuff going on internally it was hard to participate in the activities that were meant to push us out of our comfort zone (hello! already there! back off!) or take in the teachings or even just connect with my squad mates.
I’m being real with you here, people. Training Camp left me seriously questioning if I still wanted to go on the Race. Because it was hard. And not the spiritual spa day I thought it was going to be. And I don’t really love hauling a giant backpack around all the time and having to open up to new people who might reject me and deal with the fact that not everyone who loves the Lord interacts with Him the same way I do. I could go into the details of all the hard stuff but it really doesn’t matter. Insert whatever makes you feel like you’re in over your head. Ah, but didn’t He say “My grace is enough”?
I’ve been putting off writing this blog because I really didn’t know what I was going to say. But here it is. I am still going on the World Race. See part 2 for why :]
