Yikes. I originally tried to write this blog 8 months ago, but left it blank. The title is almost a taunt… How I was called to the mission field. Here I am in April still wondering if I even was called.
I first read about the World Race when I was still in college. I had recently become a leader for the youth group at my church and I wanted to research bringing them on a missions trip. As I googled and searched I stumbled upon the WR. Not for the youth group, but… maybe… someday.. for me? I’m super impressed when I read about college students dropping everything to go on the race in the middle of their four year program. That definitely wasn’t me. I didn’t even consider it. I thought “Maybe after I graduate…”
More time went by and graduate I did, but then I had student loans to pay back. I creeped on WR blogs some more but figured I’d have to wait years before I paid off my loans and could go. But I loved to dream about it. The WR seemed like everything I could want. I wanted to make my time and my life matter by helping people. I wanted to get closer to God and know Him more intimately. I felt so stuck and wanted to travel and see the world. On top of that I felt like I was “behind” because of missed opportunities to get out and see the world so a multi-country trip sounded ideal. I wanted to be proud of what I was doing day in and day out. I wanted close relationship and community with like minded believers my age. I wanted adventure and I wanted to try something hard and I wanted people to see that I could do it. And then I found out that I could easily defer my loans. And everything got scary.
When it seemed out of reach it was easy for me to look at the race and feel like it was exactly what I wanted and know that I would take advantage of it if I could. Because it was all just hypothetical. But when it became real I started questioning and doubting hardcore. First, can I trust Adventures in Missions? Who are these people I am tying myself to for a year? Do they believe what I believe? Is God really working here? And I found some weirdos that told me “NO!” but as I read blogs, I felt in my heart more of a “yes…” I did come upon things that made me uncomfortable or unsure. But maybe that’s okay.
We’re talking about like late winter/early spring 2013 now. A full calendar year ago. And over the following 4 or 5 months I wrestled. Oh man I really wrestled. I asked people for advice and I thought about everything and read more and more blogs and I sobbed and I prayed and begged God to tell me what to do. Yikes, woman. Why did you freak out so much? I don’t even know. I had never had to make a big decision like this before just on my own. I always decided what to do based on what others wanted or what was the right thing to do, and sometimes my choices were just so limited that it was easy to just let life happen by default. And never go after anything. Just dream. Goodness gracious it tortured me to try to decide. And then I felt further from God than ever because He wouldn’t swoop in and give me the answer.
But soon I began to feel like God was just telling me that He wasn’t going to command me to go or stay because that’s not what I needed. I didn’t need to stay crippled, I needed to be brave and make a decision for myself. He loves me too much and His plans won’t allow me to stay like this. So I accepted my acceptance and put down some money. WOW! That felt good. But I wanted to hold off on fundraising until after my summer ministry (which I was also fundraising for) was over. In that time of waiting I started to tell those close to me about my decision. I expected my parents to push back so I was ready. I prayed and I had scriptures and the more I found ways to reassure them the better I felt. Is this really happening? It was like a dream.
But then one person asked me “Do you really think you can handle that? Do you think that’s what you really want?”
One person who I respected. One person I didn’t expect to push back. I thought she’d be thrilled. And more and more it seemed like almost no one was on my side. Either they didn’t like the idea or they were just quiet. Very little support. I didn’t know what to make of it. So I went back to questioning and overthinking and crying and asking for advice and prayer. No one understood (heck I don’t even fully understand.) I cried on the phone to AIM representatives (some of whom were so so super encouraging and others who made me feel awkward and embarrassed.) I stopped talking about it to friends and family because I didn’t want to admit that I still couldn’t make a choice: let it go, or go.
I had an awesome experience with God in the midst of this where He showed me ways I was not accepting His love for me and all the things I was letting hold me back from the blessings of relationship with Him. And I made some choices and changes and it was hard but I was so at peace and in love with my Savior. I had a great fall. I kept praying but I felt no rush, no pressure. I started to believe that I could stay or go, really! God could work in me and through me no matter where I was. I felt calm.
Then New Years came around and I lost my peace. I felt a new panic in the question “What does this year hold for me?” I started begging God again and took my eyes off of Him to focus squarely on the question. No wonder I started feeling far from Him again and went back to questioning how He could care and not give me direction. Does He hear me? I wanted to just say “YES! I’m going in July!” because of how much I wanted it before and how much time I had put into the question but the “want-to” was gone. I had over thought it to death. I examined every motivation and came out saying “I don’t have to go on this trip.” But there it still sat. I don’t have to go… but do I want to? In some ways, yes. But in other ways, no. So what to do?
I’m not going to wish that things were different or regret taking so long to decide and putting it off time and time again. Because that’s the story I have. It’s already there. And it happened like that for a reason. I learned a lot and it’s okay that it went that way. I want to have peace in my spirit if I’m going to start fundraising and planning to be gone for a year. Is that too much to ask? Because I know that my anxiety could all me from me and my bag of issues. But the Spirit of God could give me real peace. And that would be enough.
And God spoke something to me. I heard it from lots of people over my months of deliberation but when it came right from Him it sounded different. I’ll share what I shared on facebook: “maybe you’re like me and you let regret (or fear of making a mistake that you will later come to regret) paralyze you. missed opportunities, wasted years, lost time… do these things break your heart?
good news!
God knows all your mistakes before you ever make them and He is so, so much bigger. He is writing your unique story of redemption and nothing is wasted. He is mighty enough to lift us up out of the water when we start sinking and promises to work all things together for good for those who are called according to his purpose. Thank you Jesus :]”
So I’m doing it. I’m going on the World Race. IF I can raise the funds in time. Yikes. That would mean that I need $3,500 in three weeks time. But I believe that this alone can be a test of if the Lord desires this trip for me. If I can raise that kind of money in such a short time, I know that He is working. No doubt, right?
So please pray. Pray for me, the emotional basket case that our awesome God has chosen to use. And pray and ask Him what He’d have you contribute to make this a reality. Thank you :]
Haha I started this blog not sure where I was going with it… Now I know. I’m going on the World Race. Lord willing! Of course He could still throw a wrench in it (whatever you want God!) but more and more I feel that He won’t. Thank you Lord.
