A plea, an earnest request, an appeal. Please.
Please don’t look at the photos I post and think that I’m living the dream. The pictures only tell half the story. I can capture some of the fun and the beauty, yes, but you must know that I don’t whip my camera out to document everything. I might snap a fun picture of street art and you can like it, that’s fine, but you’ll never see the old man with the drinking problem asleep on the cold sidewalk nearby. And you can see how much I’m enjoying myself when I’m smiling in a photo, but you didn’t see my face when our host stopped me from giving the man my coat because he would only sell it to buy more alcohol.
That’s only one story, and I know you see that kind of stuff in the States too. But you get the point. Even if you leave home to go racing around the world, there’s no escaping this duality of life. We love the Kodak moments but we have to deal with those less photogenic ones too.
I emailed someone from home recently, mentioned a struggle, and asked for prayer. My supporter emailed me back that it was important for me to voice those struggles because pictures can be misleading. And this really hit me. I need to be real or else no one will guess the truth.
Honestly, this is getting hard. And I know it’s only the beginning. The first three months of the race were pretty easy, I see that now. I was eager to meet people, pray for them, tell them about Jesus. I had been researching their countries and praying for them, raising funds and talking to others about the needs. The travel was thrilling, exposure to new cultures exciting. And I couldn’t believe the blessing of being a part of my team! I felt I was in the Christian community I always wanted. It all just felt like a gift from God.
A lot of that has faded for me now. I’ve met people, again and again, and I’ve gotten to know them just enough to start to care before it’s time to say goodbye. And this month we are traveling nonstop. I quickly fall in love with people and ministries.. but we never stay. I know how good it feels to know that something you said or did brought someone closer to God but now, more and more, I also know how it feels when you never get to see the fruit. There have been times when I questioned if I was helping anyone by being here on the Race. I feel ashamed now for trying to understand a peoples’ struggles by reading a Wikipedia page. At times the world feels so big and so full of screwed up problems that I can barely muster any hope. And I’m only in Eastern Europe. How wrecked am I going to be in India next month? Traveling for pleasure feels unbearably (and I mean unbearably) vain after meeting so many whose poverty makes them feel absolutely trapped. It’s all so empty and meaningless, going here, looking at that, taking pictures so you can say you did it. Oh, and my team? Turns out I can only handle raw life in constant community for about 2 and 1/2 months. Then I run out of grace and my precious sisters in Christ start to really bug me.
Don’t get me wrong- it is by no means misery day in and day out. But I could make it that. I could focus on the bad and become discouraged. And there have been days when I did just that. There have been other days when I didn’t. The thing is- that’s all true at home too. Every day I get to choose. And you get to choose. Choose to get up, to keep our eyes open for what God has for us, to find joy and things to be thankful for. And when that’s hard? When there’s no grace left for my teammates and no energy or motivation for ministry? That’s when I really need Jesus. I lean on Him and draw from His grace, strength, hope, and more.
And really it’s a blessing that all my motives are burning up and floating away like ash in the breeze… Because the only thing left, the only thing that is constant, is the Lord. And He is more than enough. He’s always good, He’s always there, and He is always in control. When things are good, I can praise Him for the gift. When things are hard, I praise Him still because He works all things together for my good. He has me here for a reason and He is faithful to complete the work He has begun.
