I didn’t know it at the time, but three months ago when I lost my cool in that parking lot in Cape Town and couldn’t stop sobbing (see my blog Break My Heart for What Breaks Your’s if you don’t know what I’m referring to) I was experiencing brokenness. It’s something that Adventures in Missions has been talking to us about since training camp. Seth Barnes talks all about it in his book Kingdom Journeys. Unfortunately, (even though I have it on my iPod) this was a book I never read because I had walls up against what the president of AIM had to say. I started reading it in Swaziland and God is really using it to help me see the past 9 months in a different light.
When I met that hurting man, it was the straw that broke my back. I can’t remember what I was thinking about just before we encountered him, but I know it was petty. I think I was getting fed up with the people around me and it left me feeling frustrated and alone. We were on a long drive so as we went along I just spiraled deeper into feeling sorry for myself. And then I got smacked in the face with this guy and the reality of his situation. I made a choice to ignore him, then panicked because I didn’t know if I’d made the right decision. I felt so helpless as I prayed and begged God to bring him back so that I could give him my lunch. And when he never came back, it broke me.
Last month in Botswana I went to a restaurant to use their wifi and I ordered a pizza. On the way out of the restaurant a group of young boys walking past stopped in their tracks. White people.
Money.
The boldest of the bunch whispered “5 pula? 5 pula please.” I didn’t want to give them money. But I also really didn’t want to ignore them and just keep walking. “I don’t have money but you can have my food.” And I handed him my takeaway box and the three slices of pizza I had planned to snack on later. Honestly it wasn’t a big sacrifice, I would way rather watch those boys run off excitedly, crouch down in a tight circle to inspect, and then devour their spoils than eat the pizza myself. But once they left I started questioning if that was the right thing to do. Sure I felt good, but did I do good by these young kids? Am I teaching them that begging gets you what you want, and white people are ATMs, food banks, and all around providers? I want those kids to feel empowered to provide for themselves… But how can I send them that message in a chance encounter on the street? Maybe to keep walking is the right thing. Is that what Jesus would do?
You see my struggle. What I’ve learned is that there is no simple answer. I came on the World Race to help people and change the world. I’ve come to find that I can’t. Honestly I really have no power to change their lives, and I am for sure no savior.
But I know one.
And I can do literally nothing without Him. I need The Lord to direct me, because sometimes it’s the right thing to share some food, or give money, other times the right thing to do is keep walking. Sometimes He will lead me to give my time and friendship or to donate financially to an institution that is working to alleviate the problem. I get it wrong sometimes. So I lean all the more on the One who knows everything and just keep trying to play my part.
Ultimately it’s okay if I mess it up, because there’s grace… He’s working in a thousand different ways and He will accomplish His purposes. I’m now better able to play a part in what He’s doing by recognizing how complex it is and embracing that loving the least of these means living in the various shades of gray between right and wrong.
