For nine months, I have been traveling around the world with 45 other people and for the past five months, I have stepped into a more intentional role on my squad. As my squad entered into Asia (month 5 of the race), I was asked to be a squad leader.* (see below)
I haven’t really taken the time to write down the process of how this happened or even how the past 5 months have gone. So, bare with me as I attempt to put the past 6 or so months into words and make sense of squad leading.
When I first heard that during month 4, three people would be asked to become squad leaders, I looked at the position out of the corner of my eye (to afraid to look at it straight on) with some interest, but was afraid of my own pride and selfish desires to actually want the position. So, I backed away slowly and decided to pray against it. I felt that the Lord and I had many more things to dive into and being a squad leader would only distract me from what the Lord was doing in me, through me, and around me. So for two months, I was able to set it down and walk away.
I have always been someone that struggles with expectations. For a while, I believed that these unhealthy expectations were placed on me by others. They were a product of a culture and society that told me that I have to live up to something. However recently, I learned that many of these unhealthy expectations I have been carrying, actually come from myself and my own desires. While I have been working on this for a while, it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I am actually the main culprit in my own life. Do not get me wrong, I think it is good to have some sort of expectations for yourself. However, when you allow your own dreams and desires to control your life and carry the burdens of shame and disappointment when things do not go as planned, that’s when expectations become unhealthy. That is what I have been doing.
The month before I was asked to step into the new role of squad leading, I became distracted again. I was starting to think more and more about the position, but this time it was different. My thoughts were no longer accompanied by pride, but by curiosity. Curiosity about how the Lord may have been preparing me for this position for a long time. Curiosity about how this position could prepare me for life and ultimately my place in His kingdom. I have always felt a pull to the people that are fighting the Lord’s battle on the front lines; to love and support people that are in ministry and provide them with a place to come and rest; to be someone that encourages and reminds people how much they are loved and equipped by our heavenly father.
My prayers turned from fear and hesitation into prayers of wonder and ideas for the future. I already loved the relationships that I had with many of the people on my squad, but I wanted to know everyone better and in a deeper way. I wanted to be in a position where I could sit and just talk with people: to allow the Lord to use me as a tool in their lives to point out gifts; to encourage where encouragement was needed; and ultimately empower people to see how the Lord was using them and their gifting to further His kingdom.
But along with this excitement came nerves, doubt, and fear that I could never live up to the expectations of others, and ultimately my own for what I thought a “squad leader” should be. So, I hid again and tried to push away my heart’s desire. I told myself that I did not need a position like this to do what I truly love to do, which is ultimately to know, love, and encourage people.
But the Lord was so much bigger. He had such a bigger plan for me, for what the race would look like, and ultimately what my life would look like. When I was eventually asked if I would step into the role, my heart was not prideful like I thought it would be, I was humbled. I was humbled by the Lord, for I knew that I could not do this by myself and that I would need Him more than ever.
I read this quote today and I think it summarizes my feelings at the time perfectly.
“Being humble before God is realizing our need of Him, submitting to His will, and being confident that the outcome will occur in God’s perfect timing.”
Squad Leading has taught me that this is the posture that all leaders should be in when they are asked to lead. Leaders should lead from a humble and understanding place. They must understand that they alone do not have the qualities that make them a leader, but it is what the Lord has given them and what the Lord is doing in them that He ultimately wants to highlight. This position is not about me at all, even though I do make it about myself sometimes — when I doubt what is happening around me and doubt what I am doing, but when I doubt myself, I am ultimately doubting our perfect all-knowing God.
When I was asked to pray about the position, I sat in silence. The Lord asked me to turn to the story that I had been reading in the Bible and the character that we had been studying. I opened my Bible to the book of Exodus, specifically to the Story of Moses and the Burning Bush and was struck by these verses.
Exodus 3:10: “So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt. But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt.’And God said, ‘I will be with you.
Exodus 4:10-12: ’Moses said to the Lord, ‘Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant, I am slow of speech and tongue. The Lord said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I the Lord. “Now go I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
I will be with you.” What sweet words of encouragement. That I am not alone and that the Lord does not have expectations for me, that I have to try to meet. All that He is asking of me is that I would show up, be available, and trust that He will meet me where He is calling me to go. As I sat and thought about this, my mind wandered back to a prayer that had been written down for me by one of my squamates during one of our first months together. In the prayer, she had written these exact word many times, “I will be with you”, and in that moment I felt like Moses. Questioning whether or not the creator of our universe had the right person. Questioning if He had made a mistake, and in that moment I realized that the Lord did not need me to be a squad leader, but He wanted me to be, and for that reason I was extremely humbled.
Five months later, I sit here in Peru in month 9 of the race, with a little more understanding and even more grateful for what the Lord has allowed me to be apart of.
I will be honest, I still have my moments of questioning, but instead of asking whether the Lord has chosen the right person or not, my questions have shifted to myself and whether or not I am being a good steward of the position the Lord has given me. Am I truly showing up? Am I giving the team I am with everything that the Lord wants me to give? Are people disappointed in me?
I think it’s good to reflect and ask yourself where you can improve. For me this comes from wanting to soak up all that this stage of life has to offer and to grow as much as I can. However recently, I have slipped back into unhealthy expectations for myself and I know that this must stop. Will they ever stop? I don’t know but I think pointing it out and remembering that there are no expectations that I have to meet helps me recenter and become available again for whatever the Lord has for me.
It has been a crazy 9 months and I have learned a lot.
If I’m being honest, home sounds really good right about now. Not because I do not like where I am but because of what is awaiting me at home. My brother is graduating from college and I am so excited to be in the same stage of life with him again. This stage of life is going to look like two grown children returning to their parents home for the first time in a long time — searching for what is next and continuing to figure out this thing called life. It sounds a little messy, but I am so excited for it. Excited to live day to day life and learn from mom and for long talks about life, the future and my dreams with my dad.
Before this happens I have 2 more months with some pretty amazing people that continue to show me grace everyday. They challenge me to want more for myself, remind me who I truly am in Christ, and continue to push me to walk into the inheritance that I have been promised by the Lord. And when I think about it in that way, two months is not long enough with these people.
So I am going to take each day as it comes, the ups and the downs, the doubts and the joys. For I know that the Lord always has more for us and I do not want to miss it. I will remain present and excited for each day and what it has to offer.
I truly believe that the best is yet to come.
-Kt
(*Squad leaders are placed in order to serve the squad and led them in the areas of spiritual and emotional growth, team health, effective ministry and pursuit of God.)
