Late Blog: I wrote this the first week that I was India. Roughly the first week in March.
The following is the battle of thoughts that transpired in my brain week 1 of India in hopes to find the Truth of my frustration! What I found was quite shocking to me.
We arrive at the first village in India. Anxiously awaiting the arrival of the 10 boys that live in the home to return from school. My heart jumps every time anything that closely resembles a school bus drives by. Finally, the bus comes to a stop and 10 smiling faces get off and walk into the yard where my team has been waiting. I begin to cry. Tears of joy stream down my face. God these are YOUR children! They are NOT orphaned. You have saved them! You have given them a chance at a better life.
But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: John 1:12 (NKJV)
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Christ Jesus. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)
As sincere and uplifting as that sounds it quickly changed. I felt as if a switch had been flipped and I was no longer thankful and filled with happy tears. Instead I was annoyed, I was angry, and the worst part of it all is that I was frustrated because I didn’t understand why I was annoyed and angry! My teammates could see it on my face, WWE was back in action. (WWE was a new name I inherited from some locals, because I was in the military and was trained in fighting so they associated that with me being a WWE wrestler.)
One thing I learned from my many counseling sessions is that anger is a secondary emotion. So knowing I had nothing to be angry about I separated myself and dove deep.
Setting: Week 1 in India we had no translator and the Pastor and his wife spoke very little English. Since it was our first week we had only a slight understanding of the culture. Therefore, on many occasions my team and I found ourselves discussing for many minutes and hours what would be the least offensive thing to do in everyday situations. We were in the middle of nowhere, at least, my understanding of nowhere. Nothing is happening as we had been told it would go, I am confined to this home, and miscommunication is running rampant. Still, none of that seemed to be the root of my anger or frustration.
And so the battle begins to find the truth. To dismiss any lies Satan has tried to deceive me with and untangle the mess and confusion the world has spoke over me.
Why am I truly frustrated?
Why are we just sitting here at this one house? Why am I not being allowed to go into the neighborhood and talk with the neighbors?!
Do I feel I need to act a certain way or meet specific requirements to be a good missionary? Or for God to approve of me and to love me more? Am I doing enough?
What if my plan doesn’t look the same as God’s plan? Am I even listening to Him? Do I trust Him enough to speak to me when He wants me to move? Am I causing all this? Am I wanting to move and do these things because I think that this is what a missionary looks like? Or am I wanting to move because my heart is truly for the lost people?
A fear came over me, what if I leave this village without telling even one person about the love and grace of God my Father?
Hours I spend running this all through my head but God is so faithful and He is so good! He always comes back with the truth that overpowers all of the garbage that is put in my brain.
God’s grace is sufficient nothing I do out of my own will and strength will produce beneficial results for the Kingdom.
Listen to the Holy Spirit and trust God knows best for me and those around me.
The fear that I was carrying about leaving the village without having brought Christ to anyone was a lie. The truth is that I bring the light and Kingdom with me everywhere I go.
So what was it that I found at the root of the anger and frustration? Lots of tears! My heart was hurting and I began crying out to God. Father I am surrounded by people that have not found freedom in the blood that Jesus shed on the cross. So many lost people having to live life without You because no one has told them the Good News of your life, death, and resurrection. The source of my anger was love.
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t have love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 (MSG)
My God is alive!! God completely changed my life and made me whole. Gave me hope, joy, peace, a purpose. FREEDOM from Satan’s torments, FREEDOM from PTSD, from anxiety and depression and self-hatred and emotional numbness and all the intrusive images burned in my brain from my deployments as a United States Marine! My frustration turned to tears because I was surrounded by people that had not yet met the Man that changed my life forever!
