Ministry in Swaziland was some of my favorite. Three days a week I spent the morning in the orphanage’s garden. We spent hours tilling the land, even more hours weeding, and then the last week we began harvesting corn by hand. After lunch we would play with the kids and spend time with our buddies. Most days my buddy Siboniso and I drew pictures, as he is an amazing artist. Sometimes he would teach me complicated card games where I almost always lost, and then on special days we would bake yummy treats.
For the other two days of the week I would go into town with a couple other girls to do the grocery shopping. My friend Bridget and I planed out all the meals, and then wrote out a very long grocery list that fed all 45 of us ladies for 3-4 days. It is quite the puzzle to figure out how much food to buy. Every time we go we fill at least three carts. We often miscalculate and end up a little short on food, which is never a big deal, but my perfectionist side could not stand it. Whenever I would hear negative comments or when I make an obvious mistake it broke my heart. I found myself frustrated and burned out….then I would break down.
At first I blamed my breaking down on exhaustion. Then I had an ENTIRE day off, and a very relaxing weekend. So then I blamed those around me for just having bad attitudes, but that only made me see how much I was failing at showing grace. So I prayed that God would teach me how to show grace, yet I still found myself feeling frustrated and hurt. Then a friend of mine asked if I was maybe placing my identity in serving my squad instead of in God.
She was unfortunately very right, and I very wrong.
I love to serve. I will work myself to pure exhaustion to serve those around me. It is a huge part of how I show love. This alone is not wrong, but it becomes wrong when I place my identity in it and think that serving makes up ALL of me. In other words I often think that people only like me for the things I do, and not for who I am. I also was placing a huge part of my identity in serving perfectly. I was striving so hard to do everything without fault so that everyone would be happy (people pleasing much?).
My identity was not in God, and this broke His heart. I have chosen a radical way of living that relies solely on God, but that goes against everything in my human nature. With this new life will come many lessons that I can only learn by falling on my face. I have learned that just because you choose God does not mean that all your worldly problems disappear. But when we do fall, God will always be there to help us back up. It is a life journey of lessons and growing, but it is such a beautiful and crazy adventure that I wouldn’t have any other way.
“…. Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24
Updates, Pray Requests, And Other Things:
We left Swaziland on Monday (less than a week!). From Swaziland we all headed back to South Africa for month four debrief. For a few days we will process the last couple of months, get to spend time with our lovely squad mentor and coaches, and then find out who will be raised up to be our new squad leaders (as our squad leaders go back home after month five, sad day!). This also means team changes for everyone. Please pray as we say goodbye to this season, and as we open our hearts to whatever changes God has for us.
After debrief we head to Mozambique for month five, which is also our last month in Africa. Time is flying by! Please be praying that we can get into Mozambique and that there are no issues with our visas.
As far as personal prayer requests, I pray for persistence to get through this difficult season. That I can continue to let go of the things keeping me from God, and that I learn to live a life centered around Him.
