What happens when all you want to do is be done? Eleven months of constant change, goodbyes, and living out of a backpack takes its toll on you after awhile. It is difficult to stay present when the end seems so close…yet so far away.
The honest truth is I haven’t written much because the thoughts in my head are a jumbled mess. God continues to turn my life upside down and all around, and I haven’t quite found my balance.
When I had found myself content with following others, God led me into a season of leadership. At our month 7 debrief I was asked to team lead. Then at the beginning of this month I was asked to continue in that role.
Last month in Malaysia was hard. I asked the Lord to humble me and oh did He ever do that. Team leading brought up so many of my weaknesses and shortcomings, not to mention we had entirely brand new teams. The humid hot weather of Malaysia also hit me hard. I felt nauseous and tired for most of the month. It was a struggle, but through it all I felt Gods presence.
By the end though, I was ready to be done leading. I wanted nothing more then to run away and hide, but God had more.
Here I am in Thailand with yet another new team, and God continues to pursue me. I know that there is joy in this season, but it has been hard to always see it. I have had to surrender so much…as I learn to trust that God’s plans are far greater then anything I can think of.
I know God has leadership as part of my calling. This is a season of preparation for whatever lies ahead. Even though it is hard, I am thankful for the opportunity to grow from it.
Hopefully someday soon I will feel more inspired to write. I can’t wait to share all the amazing things God is doing here in Asia. But until that time comes I ask for your prayers as I learn what it means to rely fully on God.
