For months leading up to the Race I received a ridiculous amount of prophetic words about growing and walking in boldness. Especially once I was officially accepted to go on the World Race, it seemed everyone wanted to pray for/ prophesy over me. (which is ALWAYS ok with me 😉 And almost every time God felt the need to slip in something about being bold. (Apparently He was trying to make a point.)
I was excited but at a loss for how that would actually happen. I certainly WANTED to be known as a woman of boldness and courage. That’s been one of the top things I’ve been praying over myself for years. However I knew that I couldn’t MAKE myself bold. Either God would give it to me or somehow develop it.
So I say with some amusement now that it still caught me by surprise when I caught myself stepping out bolder than I ever had before the Race.
Between training camp and all squad month I don’t think I’d spoken so many prophetic words over people in my entire life. Training camp was an explosion of freedom and expression of how I can operate with my Dad.
In India I remember sharing what I knew of my story several times, always finding myself crying. I felt weak because there were still areas in my past that hurt me. I learned that God was using my transparency to build my trust in Him and to show me that people would accept me, no matter how many tears I had in me. And as I released those tears, He continued preparing me to accept a whole new journey and reality.
Nepal was me living out of trust that I was still who He said I was, even if my story was different than I thought it was.
Nepal is when the filter came off. That’s when I started just saying all the things, sometimes before I even knew what I was saying. And that’s when I started genuinely letting people in on my process. It was the beginning of me learning that I’m a high-verbal processor as well as seeing the value of letting people in, in the moment rather than sometime after the fact. (That in and of itself is one of the best habits I started forming on the Race.)
Over time there was an increasing number of conversations with statements like, “I wasn’t planning on saying this but…” or “I don’t know exactly what my thought is yet but…” or I’d just blurt it out, no excuses, no covering all my bases. I would simply speak and people would listen like I was saying something really important. Even when my thoughts and words were all jumbled up, God covered them with grace and showed me that I have valuable things to say. Afterwards I would always be a little shocked but excited thinking “I can’t believe I actually said that!” I didn’t know what to do with how often people kept telling me how proud of me they were.
I found my voice. (Well, really God showed it to me and returned it, like a long lost heirloom.) I used my voice. I started making choices because they were what I wanted, for better or worse. And I learned about the responsibility that comes with using ones voice and making choices that you can’t peg on anyone else.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But to be honest I’m grateful for them. My h-squad community was a safe place for me to mess up, shut down, opt out, lash out, and do stupid things while still being able to come back as myself. I wouldn’t trade a single one of those “mistakes” because I learned some of the most valuable lessons and truths that I may never have learned otherwise. (Ok, maybe I wouldn’t have eaten so many snickers and cookies. That didn’t show me anything other than that my self control is not as good as I thought it was. :p) And while it sucks that others and myself were sometimes hurt in the process; God even used that for good and I learned a lot about forgiveness!
I also walked in a lot of victory. I have reclaimed ground that can never be stolen back as well as covered new ground that I can now explore. There are things I have grabbed hold of that no one can take away from me again. Things like viewing myself as worthy, loved, valued, free (not a victim), enough. And I have let go of things that no one can force me to take back.
I have stepped out when I didn’t even think I had enough courage to do what I did. And in that I have been SEEN. I have been HEARD. I have been KNOWN. And that is something I have prayed for for a very long time. That is something that makes the hard moments worth choosing.
I still catch myself shrinking back sometimes after following a nudge. There’s a cowardly streak in me that has influenced me to step back when I’m unsure of myself and what I just said. But in those moments God reminds me that I still stepped out. I’m still trusting Him by choosing to be bold and speak up/ speak out. And by that being enough for Him, I am further encouraged to stand firm next time. So I will get better and I will continue to grow into better habits. And I pray I continue to surprise myself for the rest of my life by what I catch myself saying/ doing when God prompts me (in a good way of course:)
