The World Race is a pressure cooker. Things that haven’t seemed like a big deal for your whole life, suddenly start boiling over and you have no choice but to stop where you’re going and address them now. I heard people say this at training camp but I never thought I would experience this so early in the Race.
There are a couple periods of my life that I don’t have a good recollection of. Some parts of when I was a child are fuzzy. Other times from when I was young are plain blank. That’s never really bothered me until recently when God brought it to my attention in India. He asked if I was ready to revisit memories that would hurt me but ultimately would bring Him glory and me healing. I knew that was His will so I said, “yes.”
About halfway through Nepal vague memories have started resurfacing: an image, sound, sensation, emotion, etc. And what I’ve seen doesn’t connect with who I knew a certain person in my life to be. It looks like I’m looking into another person’s story…. And yet at every step God has shown me the thousands of ways my spirit has known all along. It’s turned my world apart, flipped it on its head and left me more vulnerable and wounded than I’ve been in a very long time.
It’s taught me about desperation, what happens when you run from God because you’re tired of feeling (ominous abyss according to Michelle), how crucial it is to be open to God’s will. It’s taught me about lies and truth, regret and redemption. It’s taught me how to look into darkness and ask Jesus where He was in that moment. Guess what? He was there the whole time.
It’s also taught me how to reach out to those around me and to trust (even if just a little bit) people not to abandon me when they really see my shit.
It might sound a bit dramatic but this is probably the biggest identity crisis I’ve experienced in a long time-at least 6 years. I’ve literally broken down, crying uncontrollably and questioning whether I can handle this and the Race.
But God has surrounded me with a team/ squad mates who love and listen and speak into me in such a Christ-like way that He ministers to my heart with an intimacy I’ve never experienced until now. I’ve never been accepted by a group of people like this in my entire life. I’ve never felt so unsafe and so safe at the same time. I’ve never imagined life could look so beautifully broken.
Side note: I couldn’t be more grateful or proud to be on 3rd generation H-squad. Yeah, we get irritated with each other and miscommunications happen ridiculously often. BUT I couldn’t be with a better group of God followers. I could go on and on about the perfect orchestration of this squad all day.
And the craziest thing is that I’ve never had more hope.
God’s made it apparent that this is only the beginning of what could be a very long process. I pray this isn’t something I struggle with the whole Race. I pray this isn’t something that continually tries to consume my days. I pray I don’t have to continue going through this cycle every week (Tues- remember things, Wed thru Fri- process, Sat/ Sun- mental/emotional break, Mon- preparation, and repeat. It’s amazing though how God’s worked it out like that). I pray a lot of things but what’s more important are the things I know.
I know God loves me, He’s ordained this to be His perfect timing and He will take care that it all works out as He said it would. I know there is nothing I can’t handle. (And not because He only gives us what we can handle- that’s absolute crap.) He gives us what we can handle WITH Him doing all the heavy lifting aka I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I also know that He’s called me to be a “Wounded Healer” and that this will help me minster better to those who are in deep, dark pain.
When I look at what I know, everything’s ok. (Of course, I’m writing this on a Monday so I feel super normal.) Seriously though, if what I’m feeling right now can be used to help all the lost and lonely people who need to meet the only one who can save them, it’s all worth it.
I’m not trying to portray myself as a martyr or something. I just know I’ve been there. And I’m never going back. So because I understand the pain, I also understand that any amount of temporary pain is worth bringing someone into eternal freedom from that pain. And to help someone also get relief from that pain here, on earth, even better!
So while I’m feeling sufficiently “cooked” I’ll stick this thing out until I’m tender enough to minister to those who need a stand in for THE wounded healer (aka Jesus).
