During our month 4 debrief I had the opportunity to go through deliverance. It was great: confess sin, cast down lies, break generational crap, get topped up with the Holy Spirit. It was an equation I knew and loved. But when I look back at the deliverances (and I’ve been through a lot of them in various degrees of excavation) that was one of them that really stands out. I’ve learned more lessons from choosing to go through deliverance specifically that day, than any other time I’ve had the experience.
Towards the end, when I was on the receiving end of things- receiving all that Holy wanted to prophesy over me, I blurted out “and I receive early mornings!” This was followed by some very amused laughter seeing as I have always been a night owl and dislike waking up before 8am (6 feels hateful, 7 isn’t bad, 9 is glorious).
For a while I thought I was going to suddenly become an early riser. Or that I would gradually keep waking up a little earlier each day until I enjoyed 5am. It never happened. There were special occasions where God woke me up or I would get up out of necessity (mostly in China) but my sweet spot remained around 11pm-1am. If you catch me in that window it’s almost a guarantee I’ll talk your ear off. And that’s the time of day me and Jesus have some of our sweetest heart to hearts.
So I gave up on the thought. I told God he’d have to make it happen if he wanted me up at 5am…
Then I went to South Korea and God caught my attention, hands grasping both sides of my face and said, “Hey! Remember me? We need to talk about some things.” (Not directly in person, but the image is pretty clear.)
Ever since then I’ve begun staying up even later than my previous normal. That last week in Korea it wasn’t unusual for me to have a 2-4 hour hang out with God time, where I ended up going to bed ~3am. (Because no one else is up- there’s no distractions!) Several times in Japan He’s kept me up all night talking, praying, writing, painting, etc. And then it’s 5am and I have to ask whether I should go to sleep or just stay up another day. By 6am I always decide sleep is a good idea. (Even if just an hour or 2 nap.)
It’s an odd set up we’ve got going but it works better than any other “system” I’ve used in the past. I start my day welcoming him to do whatever he wants. We talk here and there as I go about life. Then at the end of the day I ask, “ok, here I am. Is there anything else you want to do/ talk about?”
I’m not giving him my leftovers (which is how I’ve always perceived waiting til just before going to sleep to hang out with God). I’m giving him my peak hours and he’s multiplying them. I’m giving him all of what I’ve got from the day and he’s going to town with it. It’s really freaking cool!
I didn’t really know what I was saying when I told God I would receive early mornings. As usual he didn’t do what I expected him to do, which is change me to be how I think I would be better. Instead He met me where I was at and is now stretching me through my strengths. (Not to say he isn’t also strengthening me through my weaknesses. You give that guy an inch and he goes another kilometer!)
And maybe someday I’ll wake up at 5 instead of going to bed then (which sounds repulsive to me at this point). Or maybe he’ll show me how this schedule works in whatever season he has me in next. Or maybe we’ll try something new. Point is, whatever we’re doing I know I can trust him to keep things interesting and to always keep his promises in ways that honor who I am. Which is really humbling and amazing.
It shows me a whole concept of myself I never realized I lived.
Growing up I always loved the analogy about community being a puzzle. We’re all unique pieces, of all sorts of shapes, sizes, patterns, and textures. And somewhere in the mess we all fit in our perfect little niches. If we try to fit where we weren’t designed to be it doesn’t work. Even if we cram ourselves in there, cracks will show and the puzzle won’t look right.
But I never quite found my niche. As I grew older I found more people who loved and valued me but I just couldn’t settle there as long as I thought I should/ wanted to. And when I would try to stay put, something wasn’t right.
I’ve come to see that I was afraid of my own puzzle piece. I was afraid of how different I was from how I felt I should be. I was afraid of my sharp edges and how they might hurt people. So I smoothed them out. I cut off the “ugly” parts, glossed over the darker sides of myself, and built a wall around what was left for protection. I toned my personality down. I tried to fit into the place I thought I should go.
But that wasn’t right. That wasn’t good because that left my space empty. When we refuse to accept ourselves as we are, we leave gaps in our community. We can’t be who God created us to be. And we change the picture that God intended to create.
So it’s ok for my early mornings to look different than yours (if they’re a part of your routine that is). It’s ok that I’m not in the same place as you and that our “pieces” in this puzzle don’t look or feel the same. It’s ok. We’re supposed to be different. Life would be boring if we weren’t. And I love that I’m in a place where I can finally accept that!
