I thought I was better at casting down lies. I thought I was better at hearing truth. But fact of the matter is, I’ve been believing a lot of crap these days.
It all started when I began viewing my reality through the lens of hurt and hatred. All these months I’ve been fighting and struggling only to have the rug torn out from under me. What do you mean, “no?” What do you mean I can’t have what I want? After all that’s happened, you’re seriously not going to give me what you promised?
Everything became Gods fault when He took Japan off our route. All the hurt, all the heartache, all the the abuse became something HE allowed in my life- became something He didn’t stop because He didn’t really love me. And now, after everything, I was going to have to be the one to fight for myself.
Bitterness and hatred wriggled their way into my heart and I became less and less sure of anything I heard from God. I questioned His very purpose for bringing me all the way out here, just to change my story and show me how ugly I was.
But that wasn’t true. Lies took hold of my reason and the swirling became how I processed.
I took Him being faithful after all and bringing me to Japan. It took seeing what an idol Japan was. It took seeing how undisciplined I had become in the name of organic relationship. It took seeing that I was more interested in finding my heart than knowing God’s. It took seeing how I loved Japan and my squad more than I loved God. It took being separated from the people I’ve come to love more than I ever thought I could. It took feeling “stuck” in the place I’ve most wanted to be for I don’t know how long. It took a lot of things to see how deep the trench of hatred had been walked within my heart towards God.
And the funny thing is that I knew better. I’ve been here before. I’ve been in this place before I had the knowledge and experience that said “don’t believe the lies!” I should have known better than to willingly let anything separate me from my Love. And yet here I am.
Partly it was pride- pride from “knowing”that I knew all the answers; pride from “knowing” that I could figure things out with what He’s given me so far; pride from thinking I could get whatever I wanted if I tried hard enough because in the end no matter what decisions I make it always seems to turn out somehow.
Partly it was fear- fear of losing Gods love now that “I’m not who I thought I was”, fear that I’ll never be enough to overcome this, that I’ll always be a victim; fear of being alone.
It really was a lot of things. Part of me prays I will come to understand what has fully been going down in my heart lately. I feel like a duel citizen of heaven and hell. And that isn’t possible.
I’ve been praying for God to show me what to do to make it better. He keeps telling me that I don’t need to DO anything. All I need to do is lay it down and surrender. And forgive. I think that’s a lot harder than if He gave me something physical that I could prove I did. But I know it’s not supposed to be.
Yesterday as I walked back to the base after seeing the last of my squad head off, I had a hard core talk with God. I forgave Him of lots of things He really isn’t guilty of. But it’s felt like His fault so I choose to forgive Him. And I’m turning away from all the pride, fear, idolatry, lies, and nastiness that’s been living in me. I’m choosing to speak truth over myself and to claim the inheritance He’s spoken over me. (Specifically Isaiah 54)
And for the first time in my life I don’t feel any different. For the first time in forever it still feels hard and it didn’t start feeling better immediately.
But I know that I know the truth of the matter. I know that God is good and faithful and KIND. I know that He is with me and will help me. He’s my helper, my best friend, my love. He’s my everything. He is enough for me. And I love and trust Him, even when I can’t see or feel it.
Because love isn’t an emotion, it’s a choice. And as my Squad leader, Mueller, pointed out “emotions are real but they are not the truth.” (That was a smack in the face to the self pity I still have a hard time admitting I’ve been giving into.)
So I’m turning a new leaf. When a lie inserts itself I’m going to be paying attention. I’m going to “think again” (aka repent) and God IS renewing my mind. I am listening to truth and grabbing hold of all that is good, leaving no room to hold onto what is not. And if I have to be emptied a thousand times to truly believe that I am enough it will be ok. (Although I’m hoping I get it this time around.)
There is a reason God extended my Race and allowed me to come to Japan for a month by myself. I’m only beginning to grasp what that reason is, but my squad mates weren’t kidding when they claimed that this would be a month of growth!
