I’ve got control issues. It’s easy to think “everybody does” or minimize just how much I fight for control. But the honest reality is that I am controlled by my desire to control far more than I actually control anything. Does that make sense? God has been sharing this revelation with me over several instances this past week or so.
I mentioned in Training Camp 101 how every evening our leaders threw a potential circumstance our way. The goal was 1. to prepare us for things that may happen when we’re out on the field 2. to see how we would work as a team and 3. to show us the importance of God being our peace, etc. regardless of what our external circumstances are (at least that’s what I got out of it).
The 2nd night we had a dilemma with transit. They asked us to put our packs on 1 of 2 tarps. Then they explained that tarp 1’s bags had been lost in transit (this has actually happened :/ ) and we don’t know when we’ll get them back. Unfortunately (and fortunately I suppose) my pack was also lost in transit. My first instinct was to try to find a loop hole: I would have had my day pack with me which would have had my most important stuff in it. But I accepted that wasn’t the point of the exercise. Next I thought about how it would have been so much easier if I was sharing my pack with someone else. I could still shower, change, and sleep on a pillow. I’m totally comfortable with sharing my stuff with people who need it. But God wanted to push me out of my box.
So I walked up to Tai and asked if she had a tent mate yet. She didn’t and immediately started offering to share her living arrangements. She totally showered me with love and comfort. She let me use her sleeping mat, liner, pillow (God bless her), etc. She gave me the best and settled for her sleeping bag for padding/ warmth and a rolled up jacket for a pillow. I’m not used to asking for help with stuff like this so her readiness to share was like a breath of fresh air. And the whole squad was like that. Everyone who had shared with those who lacked so that everyone’s needs were taken care of. It was like the early days of the church in Acts. Step 1: Don’t worry about material provision. God will give me what I need.
The 3rd night we were traveling to Thailand via a bus. Apparently we left later in the afternoon so it got dark before we arrived at our destination. It wasn’t safe to keep driving so all 45 of us were going to sleep on a 21 1/2 seat bus….We all knew sleeping was but a dream, but we resigned ourselves to trying our best. I tossed and turned and tried out weird positions (somehow I ended up getting my own seat) getting douses of sleep for an hour and 1/2. Every time I woke up I could feel the frustration rising with staggered sighs and groans. Then an amazing thing happened: the girl sitting in front of me, Stephanie, simply said, “Remember how Rob (the conference speaker) was talking about how God gets his friends up in the middle of the night? None of us are getting any sleep anyway. Why don’t we stay up and pray.” Best idea ever.
A group of us started out praying which lead to singing, which led to pretty much the whole bus waking up and joining in. We were praying for each others fears and ailments, encouraging/ prophesying over each other and straight up praising God. There was so much freedom. I never wanted it to end. Needless to say I couldn’t go back to sleep. The next day (that is, later that day) we all still had energy. God fed us with his spiritual rest so that we could still face all that day had for us. Of course I wouldn’t want to stay up all night every night living off of God’s fumes. But I wouldn’t trade that night for a week of sleeping in my nice, cushy bed. Step 2: Don’t worry about getting enough rest or burning out. God will sustain my mental, emotional and spiritual well being.
The 4th night we went on a camp out further into the woods. We needed to make shelters out of tarps, a fire, and dinner with a bunch of veggies and raw chicken. In general things went smoothly. There was some miss-communication here and there but nothing catastrophic. We’ve got a lot of leaders so everyone stepped up and pitched in where needed. The major concern for me was the raw chicken. I’ve been to culinary school and have had food safety ground firmly into my head. But I didn’t have the tools for desired safety or sanitation of that chicken. I had a couple swiss army knife blades, willing helpers, a bottle of concentrated soap, and lake water. I felt myself quickly become the chicken police. No veggies were getting anywhere near that chicken I was going to cut it all up as quickly as possible so it could get cooked and not be a hazard. After about an hour-ish I was spent. Kneeling on the ground, hacking at chicken thighs in an aluminum pan, balanced on a cooler is pretty tiring.
So I finally gave up control and passed my puny knife to reinforcements. I still helped out at the make shift washing station but tried to stay away from the food. No one seemed to think I was overbearing or acting like a control freak. I think I kept it all in my head. But the freedom came when I finally change my prayer from, “God please don’t let anyone die or get sick from the food,” to “God thank you for my teammates, for everyone stepping up, and for your protection over us. Please let everyone enjoy the food (and not get sick).” When I stepped back I realized I hadn’t been taking advantage of the opportunity to get to know my team better. What a waste it would have been to go camping and not make any real memories. While my work was valid, it’s not worth getting so wrapped up in that I miss everything else going on around me. I’m glad God gave me the opportunity to step back and enter the present. Step 3: Don’t worry about my health. God made our bodies and he will keep them running. Focus on people, not just the details.
God has made it blatantly apparent that he has designated this race for good and that it’s his plan for us to go. It’s easy to try to grasp any illusion of control when you’re completely not in control. It’s easy to try to go it alone. But God knows what he’s doing and it’s so much better when we give life over to him. He has a much greater richness of life, relationships, etc. in store for us if we will hold out open hands instead of closed fists. So my request today is that you evaluate those areas you feel like you’ve got a handle on. Maybe you do. Or maybe you need to let go and let God take care of things. I pray you find healing and success.
