It’s tricky to find balance with pretty much anything.
Since coming to Japan I’ve been playing a board game called Blockus almost nightly. At first I played super aggressively, almost ignoring defense for the sake of my friends playing with ruthless attack. But I kept losing so I gradually changed tactics and slowly stopped thinking in terms of “well, I might not win yet, but I’ll be a pain in the butt while I go down.” I never realised how much you could learn about yourself playing a board game.
For instance, when I did win (which I was super proud of as I had made a mini goal for the month to beat Dan before I left:p) I almost instantly got bored with it. I still enjoy it but for a moment I stopped finding significance in it because I had won so the challenge was gone. Then I think played a game super defensively, forsaking necessary offensive moves to prevent him from getting in my territory. In the end I lost because I didn’t create enough room to expand outside of my little area. So both being overly offensive or defensive can cause defeat.
I also found that when I focused more on my pieces and what I needed to do rather than trying to anticipate Dan’s potential moves, I was more successful. This was a big light bulb.
How many times have I spent my day trying to figure out what God’s up to and how I should act in that rather than soaking into and living out what I already know?
It’s like today: I didn’t really know what I wanted to do/go today. I had a restlessness that wanted to stay home but I also wanted to actually do something. In the end I followed my gut and stayed in and had a chill day with God.
He kept telling me “rest,” no matter what I was thinking about. So I took a nap. And upon waking up He said “rest.” So I painted and journaled. He gently whispered “rest” (and Isaiah55:9 but that’s normal). Then I listen and sang to my WR worship music. And He said “rest.” You get the pattern.
Then I started reading “the Shack” simply because I spotted it on the bookshelf and a casual novel sounded nice. I’m just a couple chapters in but I can feel it shaking things up. I can feel it almost triggering a basin of negative emotions I feel like I haven’t tapped into for ages (funny how emotions seem to exist outside of time). So I asked Him, “what’s going on here?
I could feel Him sit down with an exhale. It’s like He was saying, “ok, now you’re paying attention.” Without knowing it, I’d been distracting myself all day. I just didn’t realize it because it was all good stuff.
I’m still not quite sure how to pray into this. There’s an uneasiness that comes with potentially getting into memory recovery, even if it ends up not being directly connected. You see, the first half of the Race I tackled this stuff head on, super offensive style. We were gunna kick its butt so bad I’d be healed for good- no repeat business. Then around month 5 I thought I had closure and bows tying it all up nicely. And then it wasn’t. Since round 2 I’ve been super defensive style. My instinct is to leave it be and shut it out to keep it from hurting me anymore.
But what sucks about that is that it still gets to win. Sure, I’m not going home the way I thought I was; but in a lot of ways I’m WAY more healthy and healed than I could have envisioned being leaving the Race. So why should this crap still get to control me?! It shouldn’t.
Even as I type this I’m not really sure what we’re gunna do about any of this. I didn’t really see all this until I was typing it. Haha All I know is awareness is huge. It helps me see what’s around me so that when God tells me to move I don’t get smacked in the face. It CAN actually be a good, comforting experience- going through the “wilderness” that is. (And I just realized I never wrote that blog. Oops! It’ll be about 4 months late but I’ll get to it soon :p)
So I’m gunna keep moving forward, learning balance and finding victory in a battle that has already been won. I hope you can take something away from this- be encouraged in the hope that our Dad helps us see the path and never leaves us alone to fight in the darkness.
If there’s anything you’re struggling to handle, seriously give that sucker to God. It isn’t worth what you’re paying to keep it around. I know how hard it can be to give something 100% to God; because then it’s no longer under our “control.” But it’s so much better when you let it go. It’s so freeing. There’s so much more lightness. Everything changed for me after telling God, “I don’t know how to give anymore of this to you, to trust you with ALL of it, but I choose to do so anyway. It’s yours, no matter how I feel. My decision is that I trust you to take care of it and me.” I know it will for you too!
Anyway~ ya’ll have a wonderfully blessed day!
I love ya’s and SO look forward to making the rounds to all my people (that means YOU!)
