For the longest time I thought I worked best by myself. When I was in grade school I was sometimes the odd one out when it came to group projects. The teacher would ask if I would prefer to become a group of three or work alone. Depending on the class I liked working alone to avoid unpleasant interactions.
Working alone could be challenging but I found several benefits to it. 1. I didn’t have to compromise on what I would do for the project. 2. I didn’t have to worry about or be frustrated with someone else about a potentially uneven work load (because everyone has worked with that person who won’t do ANY of the work- it feels like dragging a corpse with you). 3. I didn’t have to worry about someone judging my ideas and could express myself fully in the process of working. Etc. It just seemed to be simpler. So while I enjoyed being with other people, if doing something that mattered or that I’d be graded on I typically preferred to work alone. I was just better by myself.
I couldn’t help but laugh when God reminded me of this thought pattern today. Because that’s the complete opposite of how I’ve been thinking for the last while.
On the Race you’re always working with other people. Even if you’re working on a solo project there are always other people around, working on something similar/ connected. What you do affects other people and so it’s easy to continually consider how what you’re doing will impact them. And it’s also easy to see how what they do affects you/others.
On the Race I learned to rely and value letting people into my process. I learned how to trust people with the deeper matters of my heart, today. (I had learned how to open up to others before the Race but it was typically about past occurrences or about decisions I had already made.)
There was a point where I systematically shut everyone out; but once I let people in, it was so easy to become dependent on them. My heart longed to be able to fully depend on someone else. So it reached out to those around me.
When the rest of my squad left the field I found myself at a loss for what to do. Even though a month prior I wasn’t sharing my heart with anyone, I had flown to the other extreme and was floundering for what I should do. Because there was no one else there. “I just wasn’t as good by myself.” I thought I couldn’t figure things out on my own anymore. I wasn’t enough.
Neither extreme is good. Both are full of lies. One isolates out of fear of being hurt or controlled. The other begs someone else to make the decision out of fear of making the wrong choice and “missing out”.
In the end we are called to run the race of life-to stand in the truth of our beliefs, even if we’re the only one. And we are called to live in open vulnerability with one another- to welcome others into community, encouraging and helping each other towards the goal. But the only way we can balance them both is to ultimately depend on God.
God is the only person we can completely, utterly, always depend on and it be a good, healthy thing. (Now that doesn’t mean to stop thinking for yourself. It’s still a partnership.) If God is the one we always run to first, we will know when to run with the pack or when to pull back/ sprint ahead.
If God is the one we utterly depend on then we never work alone and we can reunite with those around us. Both will be good and neither will shake us from the task at hand.
So in the final month of this season, as I have gone out from my squad, I have had to make 100% of the decisions but I have never had to make them solely from my judgement/ perspectives. I have always had my helper who supports my decisions and helps me when I make the wrong ones. And because He loves me, he warns me before I make a choice and prevents me from missing out on His goodness.
So I’d like to encourage you today to challenge yourself in this area. I’m still not entirely sure what it’s supposed to look like. All I know is the truth of the concept and that there’s no set formula. So how this works today isn’t necessarily how it’ll function tomorrow. But God is always the same and always new so we can keep experimenting forever and He’ll still be around. He is always good and He will continually be there with us. We can find our dependence in Him even as we walk “alone.”
