It’s definitely not a moment I ever imagined I would want to share with the world. But my heart is beating faster and my palms are getting sweaty just as I think of writing out this vulnerable moment in my life. First, God asked me to get up from my comfortable place and leave home for 11 months to love on His people all over the world. But now, God is asking me to sit down behind my laptop and get real with my friends and family back home.
It was the 2nd week of ministry, and I felt so much more exhausted and disconnected than I should have. I was irritable, and I wanted to isolate myself from the 18 people I was living with. I was craving a night locked in my room watching Netflix and looking through my Pinterest on my phone at the same time. I wasn’t in the “mood” to do community. I wasn’t in the “mood” to do ministry. I didn’t know how to keep pouring out into people at ministry when I was feeing unusually empty myself.
Just be with me. The thought kept repeating in my head louder and louder and my heart was beating faster. Just like when your alarm clock goes off at 6:00am and your brain wakes you up instantly, knowing that it’s time to get out of bed. Your body fights the tiredness as you dread the thought of getting out of the warm blankets. I knew it was God beckoning me to spend time with Him, he was begging me to wake up and do something.
Just be with me. I thought about what that looked like. I had spent so much time with God over the last 2 months praying and reading my bible and worshipping him. Was I not already spending time with Him? I was reminded of something I heard a long time ago where someone wrote that every morning they wake up and make 2 cups of coffee. One for them, and one for Jesus. They sit down at their kitchen table every morning and speak to Jesus like he is sitting there with them, because he is, isn’t he?
Gabby and I have spent much of our time in Swaziland sitting on the bottom bunks in our small room talking about every detail of our lives. So one afternoon I stayed back from ministry and decided to go shut myself in the room alone. Instead of indulging on Netflix and Pinterest, I would sit with Jesus just as I had always done with Gabby. I was almost embarrassed at the thought of doing it. Was I really going to sit in the room and talk to myself? I sat down, so unsure of if this would actually satisfy the thought that was playing in my head. Just be with me. Was this really how to do it? I was tired of the empty feeling I was experiencing, and I knew that emotions wasn’t to blame for my irritability and exhaustion. I decided to respond to the alarm clock and wake up and do something.
I looked at the bed across from me where I had seen Gabby sit so many times. I tried to picture Jesus sitting there on the empty bed looking back at me. I stared there for a long moment visualizing this. Once I thought I had mastered the visualization, I spoke up. Ok, Jesus, what would you say to me if you were sitting across from me?
It was a long minute of staring into blank space in silence before a new thought popped into my head, replacing the old one. It was much softer but it carried such an urgency that it took my breath away. Why haven’t we done this sooner?
My eyes still well with tears as I sit here and remember that moment 2 weeks later. I’ve walked with Jesus alongside my life for 21 years, and I’ve never once sat down with him with the intention of just being with him. I never knew how to do that. I overcomplicated it in my head thinking that it had to be done with some fancy prayer, or in a deep moment of worship. I’ve lived with my sister for almost 20 years and we’ve hardly went a day without a conversation. How could I have lived with Jesus in my heart for that long and never acknowledged Him as I had done with everyone else in my life?
Why haven’t we done this sooner? I burst into tears in the bedroom by myself. To see Jesus sitting across from me. I could see the longing in his eyes, and I could feel His perfect love filling up the room. He had waited so patiently for this moment between us. He waited eagerly and anticipated the moment that I would finally just be with Him. That moment… it’s going to completely change the way I live. For my savior, who died on the cross so that I can live a free life, to ask me why I haven’t met with Him sooner?
I can’t say that a day has been the same since that moment. It was only a couple weeks ago, but every where I go now I can visualize Jesus walking next to me, or sitting across from me in a restaurant, or sitting beside me as I sit behind my laptop and timidly type the words. He is real, you guys. He is as real as the people you have lived with your whole life, and he’s patiently and eagerly waiting for you to see Him as he is.
To my friends and family back home: If Jesus isn’t already living inside of you, ask him to. I promise you, the peace and the comfort that comes with his perfect love is enough to last you all the days of your life.
And to all my friends and family and to my church who wholeheartedly believes in The Lord and deeply desires a closer relationship with him: I can’t express enough how badly I want you to wake up tomorrow morning and make 2 cups of coffee (or cereal, or pancakes, or muffins, or whatever it is you eat!) and sit down with Jesus. Talk to him like you would talk to your family members who you’ve always lived with. I’ve put off writing this blog with the excuse of wanting to share about the ministry I’ve been doing, but God has a purpose for this blog, and I believe it all the way down to my core.
