The ground is covered in layers of concrete. It’s strong, it seems unbreakable. Though potholes and cracks will emerge over time, you know the concrete beneath your feet won’t crumble to pieces and fall through. Without tools, the likelihood of you breaking through the concrete is pretty nonexistent. You’re standing there with your bare hands, no tools, and it feels impossible to break up the concrete. All of a sudden, the ground in front of you begins to shake, and the concrete is being torn up from below. A bright red light is emitting and radiating out of even the smallest cracks. A beating heart is breaking through. It’s strong, it’s powerful, it’s fully alive, and not even the heaviest barriers can hold it down. Soon, the concrete is completely destroyed. You’re standing in awe of what you’ve just witnessed.
This week at training camp, I was asked to draw a picture with crayola crayons of what God had done in my heart this week. This was the image that came to my mind. As I colored the picture, the magnitude of what God had done in me became so real. He woke up my heart. He breathed life into me. He tore to shreds the walls that had kept my heart from beating.
My heart is beating strong today. God’s love completely restored me and transformed me. He is renewing my mind. My heart is full of love and grace and I am sitting 30,000 feet above Atlanta and my bones are aching to worship Him.
The truth is, before training camp, I was miserably failing. I was living in sin. My heart was trapped beneath the sin and shame and I didn’t know how to save myself. It’s amazing what happens when you strip yourself of your comforts and live in close community with 50+ people who constantly are speaking life into you.
The beginning of my training camp all I could think was, “what did I sign up for?” I was so afraid. I wanted to be away from all these people who were calling me “family” even though they didn’t know me. I looked around and I realized I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t anything like these people. I had a cold heart and I had sin and shame and I was nowhere as good as these people. I felt fake for acting like I had it all together when really my heart was hard.
BUT, all it took was a second with God for my heart to break through the concrete. Our session one day was all about shame and how we can’t live a life of freedom until we destroy the shame in our lives. The idea was simple: share your deepest, darkest secrets with someone you can trust. How was I supposed to trust any of these people? I made up in my mind that I would keep the ugly secrets to myself. If other people wanted to tell me what their deepest, darkest struggles were, I would gladly listen, but I had no intentions of sharing with people I had only just met.
I’ve been told my whole life how bad sin is and how it separates you from God. I’ve been told how we are supposed to love God so much that we should have no desire to sin. Do you know what that did to the girl who was living in secret sin? It tore her apart. I questioned my relationship with God. Did I even know him? I didn’t want to hurt God, but I was living in sin everyday of my life and I didn’t know how to get out of it.
God must have been laughing at my stubbornness of not wanting to share my secrets, because his plan was the polar opposite of mine. I sat down in a group of three and we all started small talking about shame and how we’ve all done things we weren’t proud of. That’s when one absolutely amazing woman of God spoke up and straight up admitted what has brought shame into her life. Do you know what happened when she did that? The concrete started breaking. That was my sin too. HER secret was my deepest, darkest, ugliest secret that I never wanted to share with anyone. And you know what happened when she chose to be honest? It gave me the courage to speak up. All three of us were able to talk about the secrets from our past that had prevented us from walking in freedom with God. I had a revelation of forgiveness that day. God died on the cross for my sins and by holding on to that secret, I wasn’t accepting the fact that my savior laid his life down for me to live in freedom. It took one woman being obedient to lead all three of us into a new freedom.
YA’LLLLLLLLLLLLL (I’m as northern as it gets but I’ve always wanted to say ya’ll so I think spending 10 days in the south has given me permission to use that word). God is good, ALL the time, and ALL the time, GOD IS GOOD! And I see now how important it is to SHARE YOUR STORY. Because you might think you are the only person on this entire planet who is dealing with your struggle, but there is FREEDOM when you bring your shame into the light. God keeps no record of your wrong-doings, so why do you? Let God break the concrete. Let Him breathe life into your heart, let His love rush through your veins.
I vow to live a life walking in honesty and letting myself be vulnerable with people I can trust because there is power in my testimony. The only thing that made my struggle worth going through is the freedom that I can bring to others because of it.
It’s 8:06pm. I’m 30,000 feet above the ground somewhere between Atlanta, Georgia and Detroit, Michigan. I’m coming home different than when I left. I’m also silently sobbing as I soak in all that God has done for me.
THANK YOU to those of you back home who have prayed for me and supported me. Your prayers prepared my heart for this week. THANK YOU to my wild, crazy, weird, family (R Squad <3) for speaking life into me this whole week and for being real and honest with me. THANK YOU to our squad’s leadership team who led the way by sharing their testimony and letting us know that we aren’t alone. You guys helped bring my heart back to life this week. A HUGE THANK YOU to the amazing woman of God who trusted me with her deepest secrets and unknowingly released a power into my life that set me free. God used you to heal me, so THANK YOU for being brave. Your courage inspires me. And I also love you and think you’re super cool 🙂
AND THANK YOU GOD for caring about me so intensely that you moved mountains to get me where I am to let my heart heal.
