It’s a dark season for me, a really dark season.. a season of perseverance, a just keep swimming kind of season; a time of my life where I am battling things that I can not see.
I am fighting off depression, apathy, loneliness, confusion, frustration, questioning these places where God has thrown me into- these places that are uncomfortable, and hard, and I can quite possibly say this is the most broken I have ever been.
And I am alone.
I am not around a group of 6 people, community 24/7. And it’s hard.
I am in a season of jealous waves, of comparing myself and my “situation” with others. And this little voice nags at me- Why does God have you here, when your friends are over there, there and oh yes there, living the “good life?”
Deep down in my soul, I know I am right where I need to be: it just SUCKS.
And my puny brain can’t comprehend or see past these rough patches to see the Greater plan God has for me, so I wallow in self pity.. the worst place to be.
Each day I fight to choose joy and happiness; to praise God and give Him thanksgiving for the many blessings in my life. Some days, truthfully, I don’t have the energy to fight and I just pray that the Lord’s grace is sufficient in my weakness ( 2 Cor 12:9).
I’ve been in some really wonderful places the past two months- but they have been about as barren and as dry as it can get- and it’s a perfect reflection of this pIace I am in- this dark and gloomy chapter.
I know the Lord has really worked on my character but right now I feel like all the ugly parts of me are just as exposed as ever, for all to see.. making me feel about as imperfect as it can get.
I know things will progress, get better.. but right now it is hard not to be weighed down by current circumstances, by the ‘momentary troubles.’
Lately, I have been clinging to 2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
I am the dry bones in Ezekiel (37) and unfortunately, have yet to see new ligaments and tendons and progression; I feel like the enemy has set out to steal, kill and destroy any sense of self worth I have enveloped for myself this past year- and that pisses me off.
Coming into this new season- the word ‘rest’ burdened me and my desire for it.
Ironically, it has been far from restful, but I am learning to rest in Him; Learning to rest in His Grace and in His mercy and in His glory and in His goodness.
Increase my faith O Lord. Increase, those around me’s faith.
God light the fire, in my weary soul. Fan the Flame, make my spirit whole.. Lord you know, just where I’ve been so Light the fire in my heart again. (Bill Maxwell- Light the Fire)
