It is 12:26 am and I am up writing a blog. Why? I really wish I knew…
Over the last couple of weeks I have been incredibly worried… It seems as though the events that have occurred coupled with my own insecurities have formed an unflinching knot in the pit of my stomach. The words of David in the book of Psalms has captured my heart as I find that he often felt the need for God to draw ever nearer to him as he could not do it all alone. Time and time again he cried out asking God to never abandon him… to draw near… to hear his weeping. It is so very easy to slip into a place of fear… a place of deep worry, but God always answers in his time.
The closer the race gets, the more people I meet, the harder life gets, the more I see how much of an artist I truly am. I realized that I have the strength and ferocity of a dragon, the protective instincts of an angry mother bear and still am as timid as a kicked puppy. How that is possible, I have no idea. Being person is difficult… Being your own person is significantly more difficult… The truth is I am finding that there is absolutely no way to even begin to be right all the time… It has been an especially hard month and as it finally comes to an end I am hoping that I will have the strength to face next month. Mostly I rise in the morning and ask God to carry me through the day, because my legs have no strength. I embody the definition controversy… A paradox on legs…
There are pieces of me that do not match or fit with each other… I am an artist and a feeler and a girl and sometimes a crazy mess. I love Jesus and I love people. I am wild and yet reserved. My favorite movies are Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thomson and Warrior with Tom hardy. Reading a well written book puts a fire in my soul, but so does taking a hike to a majestic waterfall. I love to feel beautiful and curling my hair, but I also love going fishing or feeling the dirt from a hard days labor on my flesh. I live in the grey and see both sides to almost every story. There is not a person I will not defend if they are not present to defend themselves. Adventure makes my heart more alive than anything else, but I seek safety like a refugee fleeing for their life… How so much controversy is contained in one body I am not sure… I just know that it is… and that all of it is bound together in one body to make me.
At this point, any number of things could go wrong and a few things have… My car situation has made me an old lady driver WAY before my time. My health thankfully seems to be headed back in a good direction. My energy has been low and my spirit has taken a beating, but nothing is lost. I am a paradox and I am learning to trust that God knows what he is doing. Just because things become difficult does not mean they are impossible. Nothing is impossible.
Courage, dear heart.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Carry on and do the best you can… It will be enough, and God will provide the rest. You are in good hands.
Courage, dear heart.
All for now…
