I did something… something that seems like a itty bitty thing, but for me it is a huge change.
I cut my hair.
I know… I know, Who cares?
Why is that even a big change?
I mean… Katie, you’ve cut your hair before…
It is just hair… it grows back.
I know.
But Let me explain…
I have a secret I hold deep within me that I am going to share with you… I am going to throw open the windows and flood this hidden space with light.
Secret: I really struggle believing that I could be found remotely beautiful without my long blonde hair.
It sounds so silly when stated out loud really… Am I a different person with shorter hair? Does my hair affect my words, thoughts, heart, salvation?
Well… no…
Then, Katie, why would you think that?
I don’t know…
A boy once told me that he would cut me if I cut my hair. I am certain that he meant it to be funny or to clearly express to me how beautiful he found it. At the time I laughed and asked myself if he would still think I was pretty without it.
I look older with shorter hair…
I look cute… cute another word for lukewarm…
Why did I do it?
I did it because I want something different. Being beautiful is a treasure. It is a gift that one gives to themselves and those around them. Who doesn’t want to see a gorgeous human just walking around… Who doesn’t want to be that human… but I have been given this unquenchable desire for more. I don’t want to just be beautiful… It isn’t enough… and in a few years when I am wrinkly and greying do I look back and talk about the way I used to look? Do I pull out the albums to show my children where their glorious hair came from?
No.
I want more… I want to love and be loved… for all the things that I am not just because of the threads falling over my shoulders and down my back. Others see me and love me… but I have to see me and love me… which is harder than one would think…
So I made my move…
I gave a lovely asian woman a scissors and told her to cut off everything I deem beautiful about myself… she did…
As I run my fingers through my hair now it feels a lot like freedom…
I don’t write this for reassurance or attention. I write for myself… I write in order to stop hiding.
All for now through the eyes of a storyteller…
