Dear Momma,
The other night, we sat together, you and I, talking about my future. I heard in your voice, tears that I didn’t quite understand. The thought of going to eleven countries in eleven months, fills me with so much excitement. My mind races and my heart beats faster as I picture myself walking on ground that I have only heard about, living among people who speak and live totally different than I have even known. You have told me that my eyes start to gleam when far away places are the topic of conversation, while yours brim over with tears. I see you looking at me with your mind full of thoughts… A mind full of fear… A mind full of love for me.
Since then I have taken off my shoes and tried to step into yours. I see that my love for missions and my desire to take the gospel to the nations splits your heart right down the middle. On one hand, when you look at me, you see a five-year-old Katie with oversized green eyes and long blonde hair telling you that she is trading familiarity and safety for the life of a traveling missionary. Your eyes fill with tears when you hear stories of christians under attack in far away places because instead of them, you see me. Old army vets tell you stories of young visionaries joining the military to beat back the foe, but instead never come home, or return with legs blown off…and you see me…Me… your little one… your middle child… the one who never could just go with the flow. There have been times when my decisions have frustrated you to no end because they lead me far away from you. When I went to Africa you put on a brave face, telling me that should I disappear from the earth I would never be taken from your motherly heart. You missed me terribly when I moved to Chicago for a year. A piece of your heart is tied to me and I take you wherever I go.
On the other hand, you love my wild and daring heart. There is pride in your eyes while you watch me working to fundraise, training for the race, and talking about this crazy adventure. I know you… I know that amid the fear there is a tremendous amount of joy in your heart when you look into my eyes and see how much I want to do this… How much my heart longs to go, and learn, and give, and teach, and see God’s face more in depth.
I hear you… I love your heart. Your fear is not lost on me, neither is your strength in showing up and being brave for me. The fact that you have this fear in your heart, but choose daily to give me entirely, body and soul, over to the Creator is why I am going. You are brave and beautiful in the face of your fear. This… This love for me, and your abounding courage spurs me on towards this unimaginably awesome journey. Your strength gives me strength. Fear is not far from me. I hear all the voices telling me that I am young, beautiful, and American which paints a target on my back… but I also hear God calling me to go and that is the voice that I am choosing to listen to.
I love you. I love you loving me. Thank you for your fear. It shows the depth of your love. Thank you for your endless prayers, and thank you for giving me up in order that others may live. I risk much, but you risk more.
Love your little girl,
Katie
