As I write this, tears cover my face. I hesitated to write at all but the Lord revealed this to me: I am different. I am not who I was. In the past, I allowed myself to become a stranger to my own heart. I hide from it, not wanting to face any pain that was in the depths of it. I was created though, to live from my heart instead of a place of running from it. Often I write in hopes to make my readers feel like they are on the streets of Africa or Thailand themselves. I want you to see and feel the things the Lord is exposing to me. But today my heart is walking in a season that will probably be all to familiar to any reader. It is not something that you have to invision happening from across the world. Just picture sitting across the table with a friend with a broken, messy heart sharing it all.
A few days ago, I received an email from my mom telling me that my grandmother was on her dying bed. A couple weeks prior I felt it on my heart to write her a letter. That feeling though never pushed me out the door. I let time escape and I never made it to the post office. When I received the email though I knew the time was now. There was not going to be a later so I prayed and felt like sending an email for my mom to deliver was the best thing. I stared at a blank document for a few minutes asking myself, what do you say to someone who only has a few breaths? I then began to ask the Lord that same question and he began to download the very words he wanted me to write. I wrote with a deep longing to be the one delivering these words but resting in the fact that at least her heart would get to hear them.
I sent the email. Within the same minute, less than 60 seconds of pushing send, I got a message saying that my grandmother took her last breath.
I was wrecked. Brokenness is a state that my heart is familiar with but I am finding that there are layers to this brokenness. I felt my heart going deeper and deeper, into those layers. Within 24 hours my heart felt sad, hurt, angry, confused, guilty, and more hurt. I started to question prayer. In this world race community we live in such a way where we believe our prayers have the power to move and shift things. I stood for that wholeheartedly for the past 8 months but after my grandmothers death I started to question that. On the race, I have learned this: questions are a good thing. Never in my life have I asked so many questions, only to walk away with more questions. If we truly follow our questions and take them before God, I believe that leads us to a passion that you will not find elsewhere. If you want to be passionate then it is up to you to seek and pursue. It is in the asking that we receive an unshakeable faith.
Last month I got to a place where my heart was just tired. Tired of asking, waiting, and then waiting some more. It seemed so much easier to not ask God for anything. I remember having someone pray over my grandmother and they declared in the name of Jesus she was healed. Today my family is burying my grandmother. Life seemed more similar to just accept whatever the will of God is and serve Him regardless. That seemed less painful. It is in the asking that risk comes in to play. After hearing of my grandmothers death, my heart immediately went to the tiredness spot of ‘see Lord I am just tired of asking.’ I could feel this fight battling inside of me. One side of me was so rooted in faith. Knowing that believing in the unseen is what it is all about. But then there was another side of me that just wanted to become numb. Numb to asking God for anything and worse numb from even caring. Can you please get a clear image of which fight was from the Lord. It is night and day. Literally life and death.
I don’t understand any of it all still. Some days the only thing I do is say over and over, “God you are good. You are good God, all the time, every time. I know that you love me God.” Yes, oh how he loves us. The Lord has captivated my heart to the point where even if I wanted to run away I couldn’t get far. His love is so faithful to rescue me from it all. His love truly is a hurricane that I can not out run. Like I said before, I do not understand a lot, but I do know that the Lord wants our hearts. He wants us to believe that He is the God of all power because He is; with God nothing is impossible. A good friend of mine told me that because I have the gift of faith, doubt will never be far behind. Satan loves for my heart to get caught up in doubt and fear because it removes me from fully living in faith. There is power when we live in faith. Today I rest knowing that God is victorious over my heart. He has already won. Hard days continue to creep in, and all I can do on those days is praise God. When we praise Him, the enemies’ voice has no other choice but to be silenced. With a shaky voice and with tears flowing faster then I can catch them, I continue to stand in the goodness of our God.
Here is the letter that my grandmother was never able to hear. The Lord is good. I only ever wanted two eyes to read these words and to feel my love but the Lord had greater plans. Now more eyes will read this letter than ever. His plans are always greater.
Granny,
Words cannot express how badly I wish I was home at this very moment. I want to be holding your hand telling you these words not writing them in an email across the world. As far as I can remember you have been going to church. You are such a devoted and committed person. But as you know God only cares about our heart. If we have surrendered our hearts to him, then we are HIS. You are his beautiful daughter. Know that! You are HIS. There was nothing that you could have done to make Him love you any more or any less. Because that is who He is, His is love. He has always been madly in love with you. Always.
As I look at your life I see such a sacrificial person. Always giving your time to serve others. My mom is just like that. She learned from you and I have learned to live that same way through her. You have caused this generational chain of living in a way where you care more about others then yourself. Thank you for that. Thank you for living your life like that.
You have always been an amazing mother and grandmother. I know that our family has brokenness but don’t worry about that. I KNOW God is going to mend all of it. I wish you were here to live in that wholeness but rest in knowing that it is to come. Our family is going to live as one again. That is the heart of Our Father and with his hands it is going to be done. His heart is a heart of redemption and restoration. He truly does redeem the broken.
I have learned a lot on this mission trip but one thing the Lord always brings back to me is that we only have one life. One. That’s it. And i can attest that you lived your life to the fullest. You lived in a way that was so honoring to our God. And that is the only thing that really counts. You granny are his beautiful faithful one. I cant wait until the day where i join you and we can dance on the streets of gold together. I have tears of joy flowing down my face right now just thinking about that moment. I love you so much. I am praying over your sweet heart. Let the Lords faithfulness be your cover. Rest in the wings of the shadow of the almighty. Trust in His peace today. Praying your heart truly is resting in His peace. That you do have an anxious or fearful heart, for his love cast out all fear. love you so much. Love you more then my words ever spoke it.
I will be seeing you again.
Love your granddaughter,
Katie
Those who trust in the Lord are like mount zion which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forever more.
psalm 125
Pain is a forest we all get lost in
between the branches
hope can be so hard to see
and in the darkness
we have all our questions
we all just trying to make sense
out of suffering
but You say we are blessed
because of this
so i choose to believe
as i carry this cross
you carry me Carry Me
– Audrey Assad
Today, ask the Lord if there is anything He wants you to do. Ask. Listen and then Move. Seriously do it today. Tell someone that you love them, give forgiveness, receive forgiveness, give a word of encouragement, write a letter, or speak those unspoken words to a loved one. Whatever it is just act on it, today. Don’t wait. God is so patient with us. He really is but we are not promised tomorrow. Your delayed obedience is still disobedience. You only have one life and its one where there is no going back.
