My team and I were gathered around the table getting ready to hear our ministry placements for the next week. One of the options was to go to the local prison in Nicaragua and have a bible study and worship with the women there. I had been unable to go the week before, so I was hoping…
“Please be prison, please be prison…”
-“Katie, you’ll be going to the prison on Thursday”… YES I was so excited I could hardly stand it.
I’m not sure what it was that drew me to that place so greatly. I had never been inside a prison, I had never even known anyone that was in prison… but man oh man my heart longed to be there and embrace those women.
We arrived on Thursday and got everything set up outside and a guard began to lead the women out of their cell to where we were meeting in the courtyard. They women sat and I started to play the few worship songs I had learned in Spanish. Then a few of us as well as the locals shared testimonies.
It had been a few days after Valentines day- and we were told they love art so we planned on painting hearts and writing and declaring over ourselves our identity in Jesus and the love he has for us. (Yeah kinda cheesy- but sometimes that works best! )
As we began I noticed a woman in the corner of the table who looked as if she didn’t want anything to do with it. I brushed it off at first, maybe it was just “too much” for her or she wasn’t into it, I get it. But I looked on her face and there was a feeling of hurt and sadness and honestly deep anger. I asked our host to translate to ask her why she did not want to participate. She looked away but I was persistent. She finally opened up…she used to be a Christian but currently is only believing the lies that are in her head, so she has walked away from her faith. She spoke of the hurt and anger she feels and the lies in her head telling her everything but truth. Attacking her value, beauty, purpose, and using her past to keep her in this place of bondage. It was clear she was in more than just a physical prison that day. Thats why she did not want to participate- because she couldn’t believe that any of those things could be true about her. She couldn’t believe that she was beautiful, loved, redeemed, cared for, chosen, forgiven…
The lies were too LOUD.
My heart sank. Mostly because I’ve been there too. Because I’ve been there recently. Part of me is still there. I look up at her and say, “me too”.
She looked at me with confusion but also a silent expression of hope. To her at first I seemed like the typical American missionary that dedicates their time and resources to “fix” things. That couldn’t be further from the truth. When we project that to others, we are walking in a facade. See, thats part of the reason I went on the race. Not because I have it all together, but because I know I don’t. I know how much I deeply need Christ.
I love Jesus, and I know He deeply loves me. I know that I am His beloved. I know his promises. But sometimes, just sometimes in my heart I hear lies too. I hear lies telling me this and that all making me question who I am and stealing my confidence, joy, and purpose.
In John 10:10 Jesus says, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
Life abundantly. What does that mean? That we can turn the lies off. Because of Jesus we can say no and believe only truth, only let truth in. And when we are walking in truth that is abundance. In the truth of who we are…known, loved, belonged.
I still think of the woman I met in prison. In a way we’ve both been held in places we don’t belong- some physical, some emotional. She had a deep impact on me, and my hope is that God used me to impact her a little too.
