I usually don’t write blogs like this. Not only do I not write blogs like this, I usually don’t talk like this. It is not a norm for me to be vulnerable with the world. Don’t get me wrong- I love vulnerability but usually more in a close, safer setting-you know? So why, you ask, am I sharing this with the world? Because I believe in the power of stories, because I believe in the power of freedom, and because I believe in the power of Jesus.
All my life I have lived in a way that is performance oriented and response driven. Ever since I was little I have done things for the response they would receive and further than that, I placed my value in what that response was. So if the response I got from others was good then I was on top of the world. If not, then it would affect me on more levels than it should. Everything I did was filtered though my thought process of, “but what will they think” or “If I do this right maybe I can get their approval” or “if I do this good enough maybe they will be proud of me”, and so on. I think I have always known this about my self but never had the language to explain it, or the time to truly think about it-nor did I really want to admit this quality about my self.
This was a part that I definitely wanted to hide. I wanted to just pretend it wasn’t there and continue on living the self that I had made up for my life. The self that every one liked, the self that was never outspoken but played it safe to stay on everyone’s good side, the self that used all her energy to please others, and ultimately the self that was not real. Again, I did not do any of this knowingly but now that I have taken a step away I can realize it easier.
You see, the race is like a pressure cooker for growth but also in realizing how much you need to grow. Brokenness is highlighted in a way that you never expected, things creep in that you thought you had already dealt with, and themes get reinstated that you thought were long over.
As much as I want there to be, there is no quick fix for brokenness. We don’t need a doctor, we need nutrition. We need to cling to the one that knows us, created us, and loves us and look to see what he says about us. Not the world, not our friends, not our parents, not even ourselves. But who does he say I am? Who does he say you are?
So here I am. Realizing, recognizing, and relentlessly giving up what you think about me. This may sound dramatic, this may sound pointless.
But you see, that is the beauty of it. I am writing this purely and only for the reason that I want to share what God is doing in my life. Particularly, how I am beginning to walk into freedom, and this is a step to a new beginning.
I no longer have to live my life trying to live up to your approvals, your responses to my actions, what you perceive me to be like, or the thing you notice about me.
Don’t get me wrong, community is still good. So good. And I know I am called to walk in it- and that includes hearing feedback and opinions about myself from others. But the difference between now and before, is that my value no longer comes from those things.
My value is settled at the cross. And so is yours.
