This is a continuation
of God’s Love, Part 1. Please read that before reading further here.
We were working in the bars, and the overwhelming atmosphere
was that of judgement, of emptiness, and void of love. And it was here that any
spiritual attacks on my life were redoubled. At first, for the first two weeks,
I didn’t notice. I was thankful that God was protecting my team from negative
body image issues that often arise in this ministry. I was convinced that I was
okay, that I was not going to be affected by the atmosphere there. But by the
end of the month, all I had in my head was thoughts of how much I’ve messed up,
how much I’ve let people down. And, how I couldn’t bring this to my team
because they wouldn’t want to hear it.
I knew that it was a spiritual attack. I know my team is
there for me. I know all of that. But it is hard to bring attacks like that to
the team for prayer and support, when the attack is about how your team won’t
listen.
But my girls noticed that I was struggling. One by one each
of the girls on my team approached me and asked if I was okay. Most of them
asked more than once.
At first I lied. I told them I was fine. That I was
processing something and just needed time to think. But they are true sisters
and didn’t give up on me.
And then one night I just broke with Joy. I think I talked
and cried for a solid two hours, and just told her everything on my heart.
About how I saw myself, about how I felt other people saw me, about the
Spiritual attacks. And then about how I still hadn’t fully accepted God’s love
for me.
That was the first time I ever recognized the root of my
problem. I had never admitted to myself that it was not accepting God’s love
for me that was controlling my life. That my denial of God’s love was what had
thrown me into this downward spiral I now found myself.
Sitting outside our house in Thailand, after midnight, and a
snotty mess after crying for two hours, I felt a peace unlike I had ever felt
before. God had been trying to tell me that this is what my problem was, but I
was not listening. He was trying to love me, but I wouldn’t let Him. I was in
such denial that God loved me. I couldn’t see how it was even fathomable that
God of the universe knew who I was. I wasn’t okay yet, but for the first time
in a long time I felt the peace from the hope of healing.
After that, with encouragement from Joy, Emily and Tiffany,
I brought this to my team. Again, crying and talking for an hour and admitting
to them that I haven’t been fair, that I haven’t been completely honest and
vulnerable with them. I was half expecting them to be angry or upset with me
for not being honest with them before, but I knew that this is what I had to do
to start moving towards healing, so I was prepared to deal with whatever would
happen.
And they encouraged me. They prayed for me. They supported
me. Hugged me.
They loved me.
How beautiful you are,
my darling; There is no flaw in you. –Song
of Songs 4:7
