God loves you.
God sees you, knows
your heart, and desires a relationship with you.
You prayers are
powerful.
God hears your voice.
I’ve heard it all before. My entire life, I’ve heard those
things. Sunday School. Bible Explorers. Church. Youth Conventions. And now on
the World Race. I’ve heard it all. I’ve even talked about it and told others
about it- God’s love for each individual. It’s such a beautiful concept, and it
is not something that is being kept a secret.
But to be completely honest, God’s love for me has been one
of the hardest concepts to grasp.
This week I got an email from my dad telling me that my
diploma arrived in the mail – I officially have a Bachelor of Science in
Environmental and Conservation Biology. After four and a half years of school I
can explain to you about cross ecosystem effects, principles of endangered
species management, the history and leading schools of thought on conservation,
but the concept of God’s love for me has never really sunk in.
I mean, there are literally BILLIONS of people on the
planet. And God cares about ME?
I know all the times I’ve let my temper take control. Even
recently in my life when I have learned to control my actions, sometimes my
temper still takes control and my thoughts are still those of anger. I know all
the times I’ve been prideful. When I’ve been closed off, untruthful, mean
spirited, or petty. I am not going to go too much in detail here, but I know
all too well the sin’s I’ve committed. Even on the race, I know that I have
screwed up so many times. How could God possibly love me?
I firmly believe that God loves you (whoever you are that’s
reading this). And I would be one of the first to encourage you in that. But I
couldn’t make the jump to the idea that God loves me too. I know that logically
that doesn’t make sense, but it’s the truth. And I have let that affect my relationships
with other people, and ultimately my relationship with God, for far too long.
But I never really recognized how much it was affecting my
life until the end of Thailand.
You see, subconsciously I had pegged myself as “unlovable”.
I don’t really know where it stemmed from. My life growing up was practically
perfect. I have never questioned my parent’s love for me, or for each other. My
sister is my best friend. My extended family is awesome, and my chosen family
is the definition of unconditional love. I know my family, all of them, loves
me fiercely, and for that I am so grateful.
But with the exception of a few awesome people, friends have
often come and gone in my life, and have been unreliable. I have rarely felt
that my friends have valued me as much as I value them. And when it comes to
romantic love, I have never been in a serious relationship. People tell me to
be thankful that I have never had to go through a broken heart, but what they
don’t see is the heartbreak that comes from being 23 years old and having never
been asked out on a date.
I know that there are so many clichés about how “words will
never hurt me”, or “whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you”, but I’m
going to come right out and say it – those aren’t true. Sometimes there are
things people have said to you that stick. And you remember them. And deep down
they affect you.
Undesirable. Bully.
Abrasive. Heartless. Uptight.
These are things that at one point or another I’ve had
someone speak over me. And usually not in a malicious way. Sometimes it was in
a joking way, but it hit me down deep. And without realizing it, I have let
these words affect how I see myself. And at some point along the way I began to
focus on my flaws. On my shortcomings. On everything negative about myself.
I fell into the trap of comparisons. Anything I actually
liked about myself, someone else could do it better. If there was a feature I
liked about my appearance, then someone else was prettier in that feature. I
got good grades, but someone else did better. And on the World Race that
started extending to Spiritual things as well. Whatever spiritual gifts God has
blessed me with, He has also given someone else on the squad. So why exercise
my gifts when someone else could do it better? So now even the positive
thoughts about myself were being turned around into negativity.
I’ve felt like a lost, lonely, little girl for so long. It
felt like everyone else on the WR was growing, and changing, and moving
forward. But I was stuck in a rut.
And then we hit Thailand.
