The last few months have been a real struggle for me. I was stuck in a pit of apathy, complacency, and frustration. And then the motorbike accident in Cambodia happened. The accident had me questioning God – His goodness, His presence in my life, and pretty much everything I had known to be true of His character. And since the accident, it’s just been one thing after the other. While we were in Laos last month, my grandma passed away. Then I had to go to the hospital to get an abscess in my armpit drained. Then I broke my foot and the lumps in my armpit came back (4 times now).
All of the physical attacks I experienced just made me question God even more, which gave Satan more and more power over my emotional state, pushing me farther down into my pit of apathy and frustration. I had a bad attitude, and I was sick of the World Race and ready to go home. I wasn’t hearing from the Lord, I didn’t feel His presence, and I felt like my prayers were pointless. I was so mad at God, and I felt overlooked, unheard, and useless. I was so busy looking for the things that God wasn’t doing, that I couldn’t see what He had done and was doing.
One night this past month, I told my team how I was feeling, and someone asked what it would take to get me out of this pit. And I told them “any sign that God actually cares, like a dream.” Guess what? That night, I had a dream. A really weird dream that led to some verses in 1 Peter.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in Heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls” (1 Peter 1:3-9).
So this was like a slap across the face. I was pouting about all these things that had been happening to me, but really I should have been praising God. He has blessed me so much, in so many ways, that I should never stop praising Him. Everything I have, I owe to Him. No matter how much suffering I endure, God is the same. His goodness, mercy, grace, and love always remain and will never fail. Nothing I ever endure will cancel out all the blessings He’s given me. Nothing I ever endure will make Him less good.
My faith was weak. Satan knows he can attack me with physical pain, and I let him because I didn’t trust God to bring me through it. I lost sight of God’s true character and who He created me to be.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:6-10).
As Christians, we’re all going to experience suffering and persecution in some way. Some worse than others, and how we respond is crucial. When your faith is tested, how will you respond? Will you get mad and give up? Or will you praise God even more and keep a thankful, joyful heart? It took these past 8 months on the Race for God to break through my stubbornness and my pride in order for me to understand how dependent I am on Him. But consider me humbled. I learned my lesson, and my faith is stronger as a result.
