I’ve been putting off writing this blog for a while now because I don’t really know what to say. When we left India, I was sad and wasn’t ready to move on to another country. I figured my team would be in a village in Nepal since we hadn’t had that experience yet, and I was dreading it. I was terrified at the thought of having to preach and evangelize to people who had never heard of Jesus. I didn’t feel wise enough, experienced enough, or worthy enough to carry the Gospel to the unreached.
When we got to Nepal, we spent 2 nights in Kathmandu before heading to the village. My team, along with 2 other teams (Broken Chains and Lion Seekers), were told we’d be working for Nepali Youth Ministry. However, during our orientation to Nepal, our contact told us we’d be working for his anti-trafficking ministry, New Light Nepal (which I was really excited about). My team was told we’d be going with Team Lion Seekers to Haripur, a village in South Nepal (really close to the India border). After a 12-hour bumpy ride on mountain roads, we got to our home for the month. Each team lived in a classroom of the school, which was on the same property as the church and our hosts’ home. My team worked with “Uncle,” the church pastor, and the other team worked at the school. Our ministry consisted of walking to other villages to hand out little booklets about Jesus and pray (so no anti-trafficking ministry).
At first, it was really discouraging – I was disappointed that we weren’t doing anything for the anti-trafficking ministry, and I felt like we were doing more walking than talking. We even walked 15.5 miles one day! But it made me really think about how Jesus and the disciples would walk for days to do what we were doing, and how carrying the Gospel can be a burden. But it was worth it to them just for the chance to have one person accept Jesus as their Savior. When God calls us, He doesn’t say it’ll be easy. But He does promise that it will be worth it.
However, I let my insecurities ruin my month. I didn’t step up and volunteer to tell the village kids about Jesus. I didn’t know how or what to pray for the nation of Nepal. I felt like I was missing all my passion and excitement. I wasn’t hearing from God, and I felt really far away from Him. So I distanced myself, and I checked out. I wasn’t vulnerable with my team. I didn’t try as hard as I should have to get to know our host family or the kids at the school where we were living. I spent all my free time in my tent, reading (I read a total of 10 books this month). I was so exhausted and burned out, I didn’t know how to keep going.
I completely regret wasting this past month, but I can’t change it now. I can only move on and learn from my mistakes so that it doesn’t happen again. And thankfully, I’m already forgiven. God doesn’t judge me or blame me. He loves me, and He’s proud of me, even though I constantly fail Him. And I’m so grateful for this truth, now more than ever.
