Off to camp we go!
I tried to be as prepared as possible for training camp by reading all of the blogs available and watching videos. I had pretty much prepared myself for anything that would be thrown at us – I was even pleasantly surprised to discover that we had bathrooms! However, no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t ready for this past week of restoration, growth, and spiritual breakthrough.
Our houses for the week.
The week consisted of living in tents, different food from all around the world, various activities to prepare us for the Race (such as losing luggage, crossing the border into another country, walking through a marketplace, etc.), and team building activities to determine who we work best with. We learned about grieving, the Holy Spirit, hearing God’s voice, living intentionally, etc. We bonded as a squad, cooked dinner over a campfire, worshipped together, and prayed for each other. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?
I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared for the first few days of sitting all day and listening to different speakers tell us how to grieve and address all of our old wounds and brokenness. I wasn’t prepared for God to show me that I’ve never properly grieved the losses I’ve experienced in life – I didn’t even know that they had affected me. I wasn’t ready to address all of the pain I’ve kept bottled up my whole life. I wasn’t ready to open up and show people the real me. And I wasn’t ready to surrender everything to Jesus, because that meant I’d be completely dependent on Him.
I was nervous. I was scared. And I didn’t feel wise/mature/worthy enough to be there.
But then the Holy Spirit wrecked me.
We had a talk one night about the Holy Spirit, and I realized that I had never truly felt Him. I was looking around at people who were speaking in tongues, shaking, crying, laughing, dancing full of the Spirit, and I was getting angry that I couldn’t feel Him. I kept crying out to God and felt nothing. I was holding back tears as my frustration was getting the best of me, and I fell to my knees and begged the Holy Spirit to fill me. I prayed and prayed, and I felt peace. Then I worshipped and prayed some more, and felt more peace. If I hadn’t been so busy comparing what the Holy Spirit looked like in others, I wouldn’t have missed the way He was filling me by giving me this immense peace! I had been expecting some big show, but why would He encounter me in any other way? He knows me, and filling me with His peace was perfect. Then I asked God who I am to Him, and He whispered sweet nothings in my ear:
You are my beloved.
You are precious to me.
You are worth more than gold.
I notice everything about you.
After that night, I felt so reassured that I’m where I need to be. All the doubts and fear left me, and I finally felt like I belonged with my squad. It’s still going to be hard, and the enemy is going to try his best to bring me down (another blog about that later), but God’s got my back. Because He is Abba, and I belong to Him.
And yeah, I wasn’t ready for camp, but that’s what made camp so great. I didn’t know what to expect from God, and He surprised me by tearing down walls and forcing me to open up. And even after camp, I still don’t feel ready to leave in January. But if I were to wait until I felt ready, it would never happen. I’m learning to just let go and let God take care of everything.
I’m so incredibly excited for this journey ahead with these amazing people!
B-squad, Best squad!
And my new family – Team Braveheart! I’ve learned so much from them already, and I’m so excited to see God work in us and through us on the Race! Love y’all, Team Braveheart!
Team Braveheart (picture on right: Katie, me, Corinne, Harris, Ali, Kimberly, and Seth)
