WARNING: This blog is mushy and full of my feelings. It may sound a bit cheesy or cliché. But it’s my best attempt at explaining how I really feel leading up to launch.
Today, I had a breakdown.
First, I realized that I only have 6 weeks left before launch. 6 weeks. 6 weeks to be with my family and friends. 6 weeks to cuddle with my dog and cats (as much as they’ll let me anyway). 6 weeks to squeeze in everything I’ve been planning on doing for the past several months but kept putting off because I thought I had plenty of time.
Then I read one of my squadmate’s blogs about this time leading up to launch, and how hard it’s been for her (read it here- http://shelbymckinney.theworldrace.org/?filename=when-your-heart-screams-no). And I realized that I had been feeling everything she described. But because I had been pushing it away, and bottling it all up inside, I had no idea how to express it or talk about it. Reading her blog was like reading out my own emotions. And the tightly-screwed lid to this bottle of doubt, fear, and dread began to loosen.
The final straw came as I was trying to finish up all of the paperwork for my Indian visa. This has been such a long process, with numerous paper jams in my printer, losing information when the internet loses its connection, etc. And as I’m finally finishing it up, with multiple things going wrong (including having to go retake my passport picture), it finally began to sink in that this is about to be the hardest journey of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was going to be hard. But the reality of this hit me full force today. Like a freight train. And suddenly, all of the emotions I was trying so hard to keep hidden completely exploded. I’ve been trying my best to keep a brave face and tell people how excited I am for the Race. But the truth is, I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t think I’ve ever been this fearful… not even when Satan haunted me every night of my childhood. This is a different kind of fear because I’m stepping into the unknown. I have no idea what’s coming, and I won’t be at home surrounded by everything that comforts me when it gets rough. And it hit me that I’m not as tough as I thought. I’m actually really vulnerable and broken, and I don’t like it because I don’t like feeling weak. However, God reminded me today that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I can’t do this. I really, really cannot do this. But Jesus can. I feel like everything is being ripped out from under me, and I’m trying desperately to hold on. But I have to let go, and follow the One who has so greatly pursued me my whole life. I can feel Him gently pulling me to Him, tugging at my heart, and longing for me to surrender everything to Him. When I was sobbing and releasing all of my bottled-up emotions, He comforted me and embraced me with a blanket of His love and peace. I know I’m pursuing God’s Will, and He’s given me His peace to do so. But it’s still hard. Leaving is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
To my family and friends: I love you all dearly. I wouldn’t be here without your love, prayers, support, and constant encouragement. You all mean more to me than I could ever express. Especially now that I’m an emotional wreck that bursts into tears anytime I think of saying goodbye. And it’s not really goodbye, it’s just a long “see ya later.” Thank you all for everything you have done for me. I’m carrying you with me in my heart everywhere I go.
To my B-Squad family: I love you all so much already! I’ve learned so much from each of you, and you all portray Jesus in so many unique ways. I’m looking forward to our journey together and growing in unity. God has some huge plans for us on our Race… let’s go shake the nations!
