All-Squad month in Thailand meant one thing to me:
WE’RE GONNA DO THIS WORLD RACE THING RIGHT!
I was so sure this was gonna be the most memorable month of the World Race.
I had a perfect picture of October in Thailand: elephants, bar ministry, and dance parties with my whole squad every night.
One thing I did not think it meant: Lying in bed for a week and staying away from everyone.
Yeah.
For my team, God revealed a vision for the red light district near our home. I was so into it that I was disappointed when we didn’t DO a whole lot in the first few days. We just went on prayer walks for an hour, and we were never allowed to actually go into the bars more than two days in a row. (Half of the girls go out and half stay at Zion in intercessory prayer. So one night is intercession, the next is bars, etc.)
“It’s not enough!” my spirit cried. “You gotta do more!”
So I looked for ways to show love to my squad since this was our only month to be all together. I taught Zumba. I spent time on squadmate dates, and we got to go on some pretty sweet adventures around Chiang Mai.
In ministry, we were making progress in our relationships with women in the bars. I loved them so much. I was starting to deeply connect with these women in this dark place. And even our prayer walks seemed more fruitful.
And then, as soon things were going so well and I was doing so much, I started feeling really achy and hot.
(I mean, more hot than the normal sweating-your-face-off, dripping-down-your-back Thailand heat.)
It was a struggle to walk down the road to pick up my laundry, but I was gonna suck it up. BECAUSE THIS WAS THE WORLD RACE! THIS WAS ALL SQUAD MONTH IN THAILAND! Can’t miss a day.
But then I took my temperature.
101.6.
Well.
My teammates got to go to the bars that night while I interceded from my bed.
And you know what? I actually had some sweet time hearing from Jesus; He took on me on a beautiful walk and gave me some cool visions for my teammates.
But the next morning, I was still hot & achy.
Except this time, I did not feel like praying.
It was my night to go out & visit my girls.
I WAS MISSING A NIGHT IN THE BARS!
“Jesus, how can you keep me here in bed when there is so much work to be done, so much love to be spread? Don’t you know my heart for these women? Don’t you know how much I love them? Why won’t you use me?” I prayed.
I was jealous seeing my teammates go out that night. I was jealous that I was missing precious time with my squad mates and in the bars.
On the 3rd day I still had a fever, and now I had weird bug bites on my hands and feet. Gross.
Was it bed bugs? WHAT WAS HAPPENING? UGH.
So we went to the hospital.
I was scared. The Thai nurses gave me one of those little face masks and rushed me to a back room.
This is it, I thought. I have a weird jungle disease and I guess I’ll have to be in an isolation unit for awhile. Might have to get Medi-vac’ed to the States, but at least I’ll get to see my family from the visitation window.
?
(I’m a little dramatic when I have a fever, ok?)?
Instead, I was sent to dermatology and diagnosed with….
hand, foot, and mouth disease.
Like…
….what?
(I was pretty sure that was the Asian plague.)
(It’s not. It’s kind of like chicken pox, and it’s actually a pretty average illness, even in the U.S. Didn’t even have to go to an isolation unit.)
The only treatment: Lay in bed until the welts go away and the rash is gone. Stay away from other people. Don’t do anything and don’t be near anyone.
“What the heck, God?? I can’t use my hands or feet? I can’t be with anyone?!? What’s the point???“
All month, I was dying to do something to make myself better, to do something in ministry, to prove my worth and value. To prove I actually mattered to my squad this month. To prove I could make a difference in the lives of women in the bars. But this sickness made doing anything other than sleeping and praying virtually impossible.
Now is the part of the story where I wish I could say I used that time to grow closer to God. I wish I could say that I got sick, but I held onto peace and trust and joy even in my illness.
But that would be a lie.
I didn’t. I became a brat.
“God will use this!” people said. They were right.
But instead of listening, I replied:
“Yeah, no. This is stupid. I’m so mad at God. I SHOULD BE OUT THERE!! I should be in the bars with my girls, with my team. WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE GET TO GO TO MINISTRY, TO HANG OUT WITH THE SQUAD?? I didn’t come on the World Race to lay in my bed!! I CAN’T EVEN WALK TO THE BATHROOM without pain from the blisters on my feet. WHAT’S THE POINT?! You can just shut up about God right now. I’m just too mad at Him.”
It’s embarrassing, but I spent a few days just wallowing in my bed. I was being a brat, but I didn’t care.
God should have let me go to the bars and live life to the fullest in Thailand.
As days passed, the welts got better. The fever broke, but my spirit stayed sick. I was crying and yelling at Him at night. Frustrated and paralyzed.
One night, I went to worship and just broke down. My loving squad laid their hands and prayed for healing, more than just in my body.
I needed healing in my spirit.
I needed assurance that God was still in control. Just like the first night I felt that fever, He could still take me on amazing adventures and deeper places with Him right there from my bed. I had to surrender.
It still took me awhile to get better, to venture out from the hostel, to start trusting God again.
The first time I ventured out was for the Chiang Mai lantern festival. (Yes, I realize this is a freaking awesome end to this story.)
As we sat in the middle of thousands and thousands of tourists and Thai people…
…and in body & spirit, I was okay.
As we lit our lanterns and released them into the dark night sky, I was actually lighting the fire in my heart for the Lord again. I was actually releasing that “lost week” back to Him. I was actually releasing all my ideas of what the month “should” be, all the amazing things I thought I was going to do, and surrendering to the bigger picture that God had already planned.
It was an incredible sight. Incredible feeling.
I was healed.
Not because I could walk and touch things again, although that was freeing.
Not because I finally be with my squad again, although our laughter was beautiful.
But because I realized God hadn’t been holding out on me…I didn’t miss out on one thing.
Because He loves me, I got to experience new depths with Him and even see this once-in-a-lifetime display of lanterns in the sky!
I was healed because I was learning that God doesn’t love me because He can use me. I don’t need to prove myself by doing things for Him.
So why did I get sick?
Because He loves me.?
Because He loves me just as much when I’m motionless in a sweaty bed, unable to move or sing or work for Him. I had to get sick to understand that He will always be in love with me.
And because He loves me!
?He wasn’t holding out on me. I was so devastated to “lose” a whole week in Thailand, to “lose” a week of all-squad month, of this amazing World Race. But I didn’t lose it. God showed me so much more.
Because God showed me love in my teammates kind words, encouraging notes, and banana smoothies.?
God showed me love in the lantern festival, seeing something so incredible, a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and in the freshness I felt going back into the bars later that week.?
God even showed me love in hand, food, and mouth disease.
?In the healing and in the fever-filled prayers I screamed to Him about my unfortunate position.
Wherever you’re reading this, please hear me. It sucks. I know.? You can be angry at God— yell, cry, scream, write it out, feel that anger. But you can also get to the other side.
Because after the anger and frustration comes beautiful surrender, and deepest love. It might take you much longer than a week. It can take us a lifetime to realize why He allows things to happen to us; we’re only human and we’re catching up to the Creator of the Universe.
Even if you’re not there yet, I’m sure of one thing:
He loves you, He loves YOU, and He wants just you. Sick, angry, tired, weak and frustrated. Even if you have hand, foot & mouth disease.
